


In Time You'll See

by seaavery1



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Angst and Feels, Comfort/Angst, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Homophobic Language, Jealous Dean Winchester, M/M, Minor Violence, POV Dean Winchester, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-06-21
Packaged: 2018-04-04 06:55:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4128898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seaavery1/pseuds/seaavery1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas has decided to become a hunter with Sam and Dean. Everything appears to be going great until they meet up with a fellow hunter who has a rocky past with Dean and an instant connection with Cas. Dean's jealousy causes him to confront his own feelings for Cas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jealousy Is Not For Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FortLauderTales](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FortLauderTales/gifts), [Wisconsennach](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wisconsennach/gifts).



> This is my first Supernatural and Destiel fic. Thank you to FortLauderTales for encouraging me to write this and to Wisconsennach for the wonderful beta job. And a big thank you to both of you for encouraging me to actually post it. 
> 
> This takes place sometime after the end of season 7, with some cannon divergence. As much as I liked purgatory, that will not be in this. I will try and post a chapter every few days and not sure yet how long this will be. Tags will probably be added throughout. I love any and all feedback. This chapter has some angst and hopefully some humor. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.

Dean wasn’t one for jealousy. That emotion was filled with weakness, and Dean was not a weak man. Sure, he hated that no matter how much John  and Sammy fought, his dad still seemed to prefer his younger brother, but that was just family. When Dean once asked for a day off from watching over Sammy, his father reminded him that Dean had had four years with his mother, which was something Sam would never have. This cut Dean to the core and he promised himself to never ask to be a kid again.

 

But that wasn’t jealousy. That was just silly childhood crap, stuff he grew out of. Sure, he wished he could be more like his brother at times, but he would never tell Sammy that.  He wished he was a little bit more book smart. He teased Sammy about what a nerd he was, but these things earned Sam a different kind of respect. If someone wanted to know the best way to swindle someone at a pool game, well they’d come to Dean. But if they wanted to know history or who wrote some great masterpiece, Sam was your guy. If you wanted a shoulder to cry on, you’d turn to Sammy. If you wanted someone to give you advice, once again it was Sammy. Not that Dean cared about any of that.

 

Dean was sitting at some dive bar. His home away from home; or really, his home away from the road. Dean shook his head at the word ‘home’. Another foreign thing to him, but then he reminds himself that at least he had a home for a few years. That’s more than some people get.

 

He finishes his beer and motions toward the bartender, a weathered man probably in his late fifties. “Want another?”

 

Dean gives him a small smile, “Make it a whiskey.” The bartender nods and pours him two fingers.  Dean smiles and hands the man some cash. He stares into the glass. After a moment he picks it up and takes a drink, wincing a bit.

 

He thinks back to these past months. They’d been able to defeat Dick Roman and somehow save that little prophet Kevin, but he knew that that didn’t mean they were safe. They never really were. He glances down at his hands.  Several cuts, some recent and some barely healed cover his knuckles. His hands never seemed to completely heal. He kind of liked that. Knowing that he had some physical proof of all the times he and Sammy had saved this miserable planet. He softly smiles.

 

It still amazes him that they’re able to defeat unspeakable evil again and again, just him and his brother and…and Cas. Cas, with his ridiculous trench coat and the stick up his ass, which Dean had to admit, was slowly loosening up. Cas, the one that somehow always came through for them, even when it looked like he had given up. Dean still didn’t understand why Cas did it. Why he gave up so much for them- for him. He knew that even though he seemed to be a little bit more ‘there’, Cas wasn’t entirely okay. How could he be?

 

Dean finishes off his drink and glances behind him. Some tipsy truckers are busy playing pool and he knows he could easily take them, but it doesn’t appeal to him.  He glances toward the corner and a blonde chick smiles at him, leaning over the table, extenuating her breasts. He smiles, and considers going over to her. Sex, that he’s always understood. But he’s too tired and needs to get back to the motel. Sam will be worried.

 

He shrugs toward the blonde and she rolls her eyes, turning her attention to one of the drunk pool players. Dean shakes his head and heads for the door.

 

* * *

 

He wakes up in the dingy hotel room, sprawled out on top of the stained covers of the bed, still fully clothed. His mouth feels like it is filled with cotton and his head is pounding. “Coffee”, is all he can think. Dean opens his eyes and yawns. He looks over toward the empty bed next to him, no Sammy.

 

Dean sits up and looks over to the chipped wooden nightstand, and sees a note that simply reads, ‘Coffee’. He tosses the note aside and heads to the bathroom.

 

He stands in front of the mirror, just staring at his reflection. The bags under his eyes seem to have multiplied and there is a tiny cut on his forehead. He looks like shit and feels even worse. Dean turns on the water and splashes his face, hoping that somehow that will cleanse him.

 

He wipes his face off on the towel that smells faintly of mildew, and leans against the sink. He can’t help feeling sorry for himself for a minute. Didn’t he and Sammy deserve some sort of reward for saving all these people? Even a steak dinner would be nice. He shakes his head, clearing his mind of the useless thoughts, and tosses the towel aside.

 

Dean opens the bathroom door, yawning. “Hello, Dean.” He nearly jumps and looks up to see Cas sitting on a rickety chair in the corner, smiling up at him.

 

Dean sits down on the bed and sighs. “Shit, Cas, you gotta stop doing that.”

 

Cas glances down; with that hurt puppy dog look that Dean thinks Cas has gotten better at by simply hanging out with Sam. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

 

Dean just shakes his head. “So, what’re you doing here? I would’ve thought you might have returned to Heaven by now.”

 

Cas glances toward the ceiling quickly, a mild look of sorrow in his eyes. He looks back at Dean and paints a smile on his face, “No. Heaven is fine without me.” He leans forward, looking nervous and excited all at once. “I’ve come to a decision, Dean.”

 

“A decision?”  Dean prayed that it had nothing to do with bees or cats.

 

“And it has nothing to do with bees and cats.” Dammit, Dean hated when Cas did that. “Although I do still think that that cabin could use a nice little tabby cat. Maybe one with orange stripes or…”

 

Shit, this was going nowhere fast. “…Your decision, Cas.”

 

Cas shook his head, and took a deep breath. “I have decided that I want to become a hunter, like you and Sam.”

 

Dean raised an eyebrow, a little smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “You want to come become a hunter?”

 

Cas nodded. “Yes. I mean…” Cas looked down at his hands again, studying them. “It just makes sense to me.”

 

Dean looked at Cas for a moment. His face was so hopeful, almost childlike, that it made Dean want to cry. He swallowed and leaned forward. “Okay, so you want to become a hunter. Did you tell Sam this?”

 

“No. I thought I should tell you first.” Dean tried to hide the smile he felt creeping across his face at Cas’ words.

 

He stood up and ran his fingers through his hair. “Okay, well, Sam and I could always use the help and you’ve saved us more times than I can count.  But, Cas, it’s not as simple as just deciding. I mean, you’re an angel and hunters…”

 

Cas stood up. “…lie. Yes, Dean, I know.”

 

“It’s more complicated than just lying.” Dean held his hand up.

 

Cas took a step closer to Dean, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, Dean, I know which way to hold the badge this time.” Cas winked at Dean and he couldn’t help but chuckle.

 

“Yeah, but are you sure that this is…” Cas placed both his hands on Dean’s shoulders and stared at him. It was the stare he had that made Dean feel like Cas could see every scar on his soul.

 

“It will be okay, Dean. You and Sam can teach me and I’ve been doing some research of my own.” Cas removed his hands from Dean’s shoulders and Dean tried not to miss the warmth.

 

“Research?” Dean was afraid of what the answer might be.

 

“Just some cop shows and such.”

 

Dean laughed and patted Cas on the back, “Well, it’s a start. Welcome to the team, buddy.”

 

“Thank you, Dean.”

 

* * *

 

It had been several weeks since Cas had decided to become a hunter and Dean had to admit that he was impressed. Sure, he had the occasional hiccup and he still needed to learn to lie better, but all in all he was a pretty decent hunter. And having that extra “angel mojo” around didn’t hurt.

 

Plus, he liked having another person around. At first he thought it would get old or a little annoying having a third person there, but it was oddly comforting. He thought Sam must be feeling the same way, he finally had someone who got into that nerdy research stuff as much as he did.

 

They were out at some dive bar in Oklahoma, celebrating taking out a nest of vamps. Dean was finishing off a thick, juicy burger and Sam was picking at a salad. Cas was sitting between the brothers, looking at the greasy burger he’d ordered, but had no intention of eating. Cas took a sip of beer and grimaced a bit.

 

Dean motioned toward the burger, “Why’d you order it if you weren’t going to eat it?”

 

“I thought it would be rude not to order.”

 

Dean glanced over at Sam, who shrugged. Dean reached over and took the burger. “Well, if you’re not gonna eat it...” He takes a big bite, bits of lettuce falling on to the table and grease dripping down his chin.

 

Sam groans, “Dude, seriously…”

 

Dean raises his eyebrow and points to the half-eaten salad on Sam’s plate. “Just shut-up and finish your rabbit food, Sammy.”

 

Sam rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his beer. He glances toward the corner of the bar. “Oh man, I don’t believe it.”

 

“What?” Dean says, his mouth full of the delicious burger. Sam points toward the corner of the bar. Dean mutters under his breath, “Shit.” Standing in the corner of the bar is a tall man, with a lean build. He has dark hair and looks like he stepped out of a catalog, despite the obvious hunter scars on his hands. Dean can’t help but glare.

 

Cas leans over to Dean, “Is he something we need to hunt?”

 

“Yes, Cas, he is. Just go over there and smite him right now.” Cas starts to stand, but Sam grabs his arm and sighs.

 

“He’s a fellow hunter, Cas.” He rolls his eyes at Dean and Cas sits back down.

 

Sam starts to motion toward the man, who heads toward their table. “Holy shit, Matt. What are you doing here?” Sam claps Matt on the back.

 

“I had heard there was a nest of vamps in the area and thought I’d check it out. But looks like you guys beat me to it.” Matt glanced over at Dean, a smug look on his face. “Dean.”

 

Dean has an urge to stick his tongue out at the man, like a five year old. But instead he grins and says, “Yep, we took care of that nest in two hours flat.”

 

Cas scrunches his eyebrows, “Well, Dean, it was actually more like two days and three…” Dean glares at Cas while Matt and Sam let out a chuckle.

 

Matt looks toward Cas and smiles, “So, you must be that new hunter I’ve been hearing about.” He gives Cas the once over and Dean feels sick.

 

Cas extends his hand. “Castiel.”

 

Matt takes his hand. “Castiel? That’s unique.”

 

“My friends call me Cas.” He smiles.

 

“ _So, you can call him Castiel_ ,” Dean thinks.

 

Cas and Matt continue staring at each other for what seems like an eternity, their hands still clasped together. Dean watches them and feels his stomach getting a little sick. He guesses he probably shouldn’t have had that second burger.

 

Dean clears his throat a little too loudly, “So, Matt, other than trying to pick up our leftovers, what are you still doing here?” Matt finally drops Cas’ hand. Dean crosses his arms.

 

“Dean…” Sam groans.

 

Matt holds up his hand. “Its fine, Sam.” He grabs a chair, situating himself between Dean and Cas. Dean doesn’t remember inviting him to join them. “Hey, I missed the nest by an hour or two and figured I’d blow off some steam.” He glances over at Cas. “Plus, I heard the rumors that the Winchesters had added a third man to their exclusive two party team. I had to meet this guy and warn him.” Matt winks at Cas and Dean has an overwhelming urge to punch him.

 

“Why would you need to warn me?”

 

Matt grabs a fry off of Cas’ plate, popping it in his mouth. “Well, Dean over there, he can be a bit of an asshole. Sam’s good though.” He winks at Sam.

 

Dean throws his napkin down. “Yeah, well, at least I’m not an arrogant douchebag who thinks he’s above everyone else.”

 

Matt laughs, “See, Cas, Dean here still holds a grudge because I saved him from some little wisp of a werewolf a few years back.”

 

“Ha! You didn’t save me. You tried to use me as bait, when I had a perfectly good plan already in place.” Dean leans over the table, almost knocking over Sam’s beer.

 

“Dean, can we please…” Sam looks at him.

 

Dean sighs and sits back, his arms crossed. “Whatever, fine, you tried to save me after trying to get me killed.” He looks away, pouting.

 

“How about I buy a round for the table. Maybe we can start fresh, Dean?”

 

Sam looks at Dean. Dean sighs. “Fine, but if you really wanna make it up to me you’ll throw in some cherry pie.”

 

Matt laughs and motions for the waitress. Dean sinks down into the chair.

 

* * *

 

They’re still sitting there an hour later, one pitcher empty and Matt is trying to impress them with some story about how he exorcised five demons by himself. Everyone but Dean seems to be falling for this bullshit, especially Cas. He’s been hanging on Matt’s every word since he sat down, looking at him like…like…well, almost like he looks at Dean. He just keeps staring into Matt’s fucking insane blue eyes and Dean just wants to haul off and hit him.

 

Dean finishes his tenth or was it twentieth, beer and motions for the waitress. Sam grabs his arm, “Dean, don’t you think you’ve had enough?” Dean pulls his arm away.

 

The waitress comes over. “Hi sweetheart.” She sighs. “I’ll take a whiskey.”

 

“Dean…”

 

“Shut it, Sammy.”

 

Dean glances around the table. “Anyone else?” They shake their heads. “Fine, one whiskey.” He gives her a smile and she just turns to leave.

 

“You seem to be drinking more than usual.” Matt says.

 

“That’s really none of your fucking business.” Dean growls.

 

Sam shakes his head. “Dean…”

 

“What? The guys a nosy jackass coming around telling us lies about some demons he took out.”

 

Cas glances at Dean, his eyebrows raised and it’s all Dean can do to not run. “Why are you so angry, Dean?”

 

_Because you’re all believing his bullshit and ignoring me. And you keep staring at him in that creepy and invasive way that’s reserved just for me. And Sammy even seems entertained and I could just crawl into a hole and die and no one would care. And why the fuck are Matt’s eyes so damn blue? And why the hell do I even care?_

But Dean says none of this. He shrugs, “Nothing.”

 

The waitress hands him the whiskey and Dean downs it in one shot. It hits his belly like fire and he’s very grateful that they’re staying in the crappy motel next door. Dean stands up, tossing some money on the table. No way is he letting Matt pay for his whiskey. “I’m going to bed.”

 

Sam stands up, “Dean, do you…”

 

“Just stay, Sammy. Have some fun.” He plasters a smile on his face and pats his brother on the shoulder. He turns to Cas and Matt and tries to maintain his smile. “Thanks for the beers, Matt.”

 

“You’re welcome.” Dean looks at Cas for a moment and then turns to leave.

 

When he reaches the door, he glances back just in time to see Matt touching Cas’ hand. He storms out the door, confused by the stupid tears that are welling up in his eyes.


	2. It Was Only Temporary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas makes a decision that breaks Dean's heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to FortLauderTales and Wisconsennach for their continued support and encouragement. And thank you so, so much for your amazing beta skills, Wisconsennach. You are a rock star!
> 
> I am hoping to continue to update once a day or once every other day. Thank you to everyone who has read so far and supported it. As always, I love any and all feedback.

Dean was leaning over the toilet, dry heaving. That second burger, coupled with the whiskey, had done him in, and his stomach  was now completely empty. He collapsed on to the bathroom floor, a sweaty mess, and leaned his head against the wall, the cool tile soothing his cheek,

 

He felt empty and more alone than ever. He stopped himself from praying, because that got you nothing but angels and the thought of angels was too much.

 

Dean heard the motel room door opening and the familiar sound of  Sam’s footsteps. He closed his eyes, and hoped against hope that Sam would just go to sleep and forget he was even there. But a moment later he heard a light knock on the flimsy bathroom door.

 

“Dean?” Sam sighed and knocked again. “Dean? Are you okay?”

 

‘Are you okay?’ How the hell was Dean supposed to answer that?  He didn’t know, so he shut his eyes tight and, before Sam could knock again, said “I’m fine, Sammy. Just remind me, liquor before beer.”

 

He heard Sam breathe out a little chuckle, but the concern was still there. Dean knew he had to get up and out of here soon or Sam would just camp out outside the damn door.

 

He took a deep breath, reaching for the sink. He pulled himself up, felt himself getting dizzy and was worried there was still more bile to come up. He  paused, took a deep breath, and gave it another try. He came up, standing fully erect now. He anchored himself in front of the bathroom mirror. Turning on the faucet he splashed his face with cold water and nodded. “It’s as good as I’ll ever be.”

 

Dean came out of the bathroom and gave Sam a small smile. “One word about how shitty I look and I’ll deck ya.” Dean patted Sam on the shoulder and walked over to the bed.

 

Sam chuckled, “Not a word. Promise.”

 

Dean rolled over on his side, facing away from Sam. He took a breath, not sure he really wanted to ask the next question. “Did...um...is…” He shook his head, this was ridiculous. “Is Cas…is he okay?”

 

He thought he heard Sam let out a soft laugh, and didn’t understand how this was funny. “Cas is fine, Dean. He went back to his room.” They had taken to getting two motel rooms now. Sure, Cas didn’t need to sleep, but it was less awkward that way. People gave Sam and him enough weird looks as it was, adding a third man into the mix was just more than Dean cared to explain.  

 

“And don’t worry, he went alone.” Sam said just before closing the bathroom door.

 

Dean wanted to yell at Sam for that last remark, but instead smiled as he felt relief wash over his body.

 

***

 

They were sitting at some diner,  Dean with a huge stack of pancakes on his plate, while Sam was sitting next to him, picking at a bowl of wood chips, or as Sam called it, ‘Bran Flakes’. Cas was seated across from Dean, taking tiny sips of coffee and wincing every time.

 

Dean smiled, chewing on a mouthful of pancakes. “You know, Cas, you could just stick with water.”

 

“I’m trying to assimilate, Dean. Humans have coffee. Hunters have coffee.” Cas picked up the cup of coffee. “I have coffee.” He took a bigger drink and looked like he wanted to puke.

 

Dean and Sam both snickered. “Good assimilating, Cas.” Dean joked.

 

Cas glared at him and then looked out the window for a moment, and Dean felt like the biggest asshole ever. “Cas, I’m sorry.” Cas looked back at him. “You know what I think might help?” Dean ventured.

 

“What?”

 

He picked up a packet of sugar and emptied the contents into Cas’ coffee, gave it a quick stir and held the cup out to Cas. “Try it now.”

 

Cas took a sip. “ Better.” He smiled at Dean. “Thank you, Dean.”

 

Dean smiled at him and felt happy, truly happy.

 

But it was at that moment that he heard a voice behind him. “Hello everyone.” Dean grit his teeth at the sound of Matt’s voice and put his fork down.

 

Cas smiled broadly at Matt and scooted over, patting the seat next to him. Dean swallowed as Matt sat down next to Cas. “I hope you and Sam don’t mind, but I thought it would be nice if Matt could join us for breakfast.”

 

“Well, actually…” Dean started to protest, but Sam touched his arm.

 

“Its fine, Cas.” Sam smiled. “In fact, breakfast is on us, since you bought us beers last night.

 

Dean’s mouth dropped open and he glared at Sam, who gave him the pleading puppy dog look only he and Cas could get away with. Dean closed his eyes, took a deep breath, plastered on a smile that didn’t reach his eyes and regarded Matt. “Yeah, I’d love to buy you breakfast.” Dean took a big gulp of coffee and wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his shirt.

*** 

Matt ordered a Denver omelet and  was continuing to entertain Sam and Cas with his “amazing stories of bravery,” or some bullshit. Dean still didn’t understand what was so intriguing

about your typical salt and burn or demon exorcism stories. They were hunters themselves, it shouldn’t be this fascinating.

 

“You know, Matt, if anyone was to ever write a book about hunting, you’d be the one.” Sam said.

 

Dean started laughing and couldn’t stop. Everyone just stared at him. “What’s so amusing, Dean?” Cas asked.

 

“You’re gonna ask me that? Seriously?” He took a sip of water and shook his head. “You two. That’s what” Dean motioned between Sam and Cas.

 

“Dean, what’re you talking about?” Sam asked.

 

He leaned back. “You guys are acting like a couple of star struck teenagers.” Sam and Cas glanced at each other, confused.

 

“I mean, we stopped a fucking apocalypse and you guys are excited about some jackass’ story?  Which, in case you didn’t notice, was most likely a lie, about taking care of some ghost. I’m sorry, but that’s just funny to me.” Dean continued, no trace of warmth in his voice.

 

“Dean, don’t be such a jerk.” Sam said, turning in his seat. “Matt happens to be a good storyteller.” Sam pointed at him. “You’re the one who first told me that.”

 

Dean looked away. “Yeah, well, that was when I was young and stupid.”

 

Sam groaned and started to speak, but Matt stopped him. “Its okay, Sam. Dean’s right. I do tend to exaggerate.”

 

Dean scoffed and looked back at Matt and said under his breath, “That’s an understatement.”

 

Matt stared at Dean for a moment and Dean wanted to run. “I’m sorry, Dean. I really am.”

 

Dean swallowed uncomfortably and shifted in his seat. “Okay. Whatever. Hunters are great ‘storytellers’.” Dean stood up. “I gotta take a piss.”

 

He nearly ran to the restroom, slamming his fist against the bathroom wall. Dean felt the tears burn the back of his eyes, but he gritted his teeth and splashed his face with water.

 

He was wiping his face off with a paper towel when the bathroom door opened. Dean turned to see Cas standing there, staring at him. Dean wanted to run, but Cas was blocking his only exit.

 

“Dean, why don’t you like Matt?” Cas cocked his head to the side, in the way he did when confounded by human behavior,

 

Dean tossed the paper towel in the trash and leaned against the sink. “Because, he’s a lying douchebag.”

 

“He’s not a liar, Dean.” Cas said with so much conviction that Dean was ready to believe him.

 

“Yeah and how would you know?”

 

“I’m an angel and…”

 

“…Yeah, well I’ve lied to you before and you never seemed to…” Dean started.

 

“…I can always tell when you’re lying, Dean.” He took a step closer to Dean. “Like now.”

 

Dean looked at Cas for a moment, his heart beating faster. He sighed and looked down at his feet, hoping Cas would just leave him here. But after a moment, Dean knew he wasn’t going anywhere. He looked at Cas. “I don’t trust him, Cas. He lies, despite what you think, and he…he …” He turned away. “Forget it.”

 

He could feel Cas’ eyes boring into the back of his neck, trying to make him turn around. He felt Cas take a step closer, could almost feel him hovering over him. “Dean?”

 

“Cas, just forget it, okay? You like him, fine. Sammy likes him, fine.”

 

Dean glanced in the mirror and saw Cas’ hand hovering over Dean’s shoulder. “I can ask him to leave, if you’d like.” Cas offered and Dean felt his head swimming.

 

Dean turned to Cas. “Cas, don’t.” Dean crossed his arms. “I’m a jerk, okay? Everyone knows that.” He tried to smile at Cas. “Really, it’s fine. We’re leaving today anyway. Heading back to the cabin.”

 

Cas searched Dean’s face for a moment and Dean had an overwhelming urge to hug him. Cas smiled and put a hand on Dean’s arm. “Dean, you’re not a jerk.” Dean looked into his eyes and wished he could believe those words.

 

***

 

They were finally about to be on their way back to the cabin and away from this town, from Matt. They were standing by the Impala and Dean already had the door open.

 

“Well, it was nice seeing you both again.” Matt said. Dean gave him a quick smile and climbed into baby. He didn’t care if it was rude.

 

He watched as Sam said goodbye to him, even giving Matt a hug. Dean rolled his eyes.

 

And then Matt turned to Cas and Dean tried to make himself look away. Matt took Cas’ hand in his and just stared at him. Dean was tempted to blow the horn, but he was trying to keep it together and remind himself that they were almost out of this town.

 

Matt pulled Cas into a hug and Dean nearly died.

 

After a moment the two men pulled apart and everyone waved goodbye. Sam got into the passenger seat and Cas climbed into the back. As they pulled out Cas gave Matt a little wave goodbye.

 

Dean turned up the road and hit the gas. Not even bothering to look back.

 

***

 

It had been a week since they left Oklahoma and things were pretty quiet. They’d been taking advantage of it, binging on movies and trying to teach Cas about pop culture. Dean felt good. Almost peaceful. And then Cas brought home a cat.

 

A stupid, orange tabby that Cas decided to name Chuck. Chuck liked to claw up everything he could, including Dean’s records. Dean hated the thing, but Cas insisted that he was needed.

 

“Cas, what will we do when we go on a hunt?” Dean asked.

 

Cas just shrugged. “Well, I guess we’ll bring Chuck with us.”

 

Dean and Sam looked at each other and Dean said. “Cas, you can’t bring a cat with you on a hunt.”

 

Cas looked genuinely confused by that. “Hmm…” Cas said, scratching his chin. “Well, I guess we could get someone to watch him for us.” Cas said as he walked away, like that just solved everything.

 

Dean looked at Sam, hoping that Sam would somehow try and reason with Cas. But instead Sam just gave a small smile and said, “I think they have services for that.”

 

“Seriously, Sammy.” Sam just shrugged at him.

 

Dean glanced toward Cas, who was on the floor tossing a toy mouse at Chuck. He did look happy. Content really. “Dammit.” Dean said. “Fine, but I’m not cleaning up any of his shit.”

 

Sam laughed and Dean headed to his room.

 

***

 

Much to Dean’s surprise, the cat didn’t totally suck. It was kind of an odd comfort to have something to come home to other than moldy food and dusty shelves. The first time they had to leave it, Cas fretted about like it was a child. They happened to contact another hunter, Carla, to watch out for Chuck.

 

Cas wrote out a five page list of instructions and made sure that Carla knew which toys were Chuck’s favorites and which were only for emergencies. Carla looked at Dean at that, and Dean just shrugged and mouthed an apology.

 

Cas leaned down to Chuck and said, “Okay, Chuck. We will be back as soon as possible. I will check in with you when we get to the motel.” Carla held back a laugh.

 

Cas continued to pet the cat and he looked like he was going to cry. Dean decided it was time to interfere. He grabbed Cas’ arm and led him toward the door. “Come on, Cas. He’ll be fine. Carla is the best cat hunter in town.” Cas looked at him in shock. Yeah, wrong use of words there. “What I mean is she knows her way around a nice…”

 

Carla snapped, “Don’t you dare!”

 

“Sorry, sweetheart.” Dean gave her a wink and she rolled her eyes, a smile playing at her lips.

 

Cas looked over at Dean. “A nice what?”

 

Dean, Sam and Carla burst out laughing. Dean placed a hand on Cas’ shoulder. “Nothing, Cas. Just, Chuck will be in good hands.”

 

Carla smiled at Cas, “I promise, I’ll make sure Chuck has fun.”

 

Cas smiled at Carla and pulled her into a big hug. She looked shocked at first, but then returned it. They pulled apart and Cas looked at her, placing a hand on the side of her face. “You. You’re a very good person.”

 

She blushed a little and said, “Thanks.”

 

Okay, Dean knew this could go on forever. He cleared his throat. “We better get goin’ Cas.”

 

“Okay.” Cas turned to Carla. “Goodbye, Carla.”

 

“Goodbye, Cas.”

 

Cas turned to Chuck. “Goodbye, Chuck.”

 

The cat yawned and curled up by the fireplace.

 

Sam and Dean waved by to Carla and thanked her.

 

The hunt was a quick one. Turned out to just be your typical salt and burn. It was nice to be out on the road again, though. Nice to be fighting things. But something kept nagging at Dean.

 

It had started a few days before they had left for the hunt. The phone calls. Cas’ phone would ring and he would sneak off outside, like a teenager. When he would return he would have this stupid grin on his face and it seemed to take a minute for him to remember where he was.

 

These phone calls continued on the hunt and Dean didn’t like it. They’d taken care of the ghost and decided that it was too late to drive back. They decided to check into a local motel, and got the usual two rooms. Then Dean heard Cas’ phone ring. When Cas looked at the display, a silly grin spread across his face as he answered the phone, waving goodbye to Sam and Dean and closing the motel room door behind him.

 

When Dean and Sam got to their room, Dean started to pace. Sam just stared at him and then finally spoke. “What’s wrong?”

 

Dean motioned in the direction of Cas’ room. “You don’t find it odd? All those calls he keeps getting?”

 

“No...” Sam sat down on the bed nearest the door, taking off his shoes. “Cas has a friend. So what?”

 

“Cas doesn’t have any friends. I mean, besides us.”

 

“Look, Dean, I wouldn’t worry about it.”

 

“It could be Heaven, you know or…or Crowley.”

 

Sam laughed, “Crowley? You really think Cas is having chats with Crowley that make him act like a giddy teenager?” So Sam had noticed too.

 

“Well, no, but…”

 

Sam stood up, heading toward the bathroom. He put a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Dean, relax. He’s not plotting to take over the world again. He’s just trying to…” Sam looked up, almost wistful. “Assimilate.” Sam smiled and went into the bathroom.

 

Dean dropped onto the bed looking outside. Well, what if I don’t want him to assimilate? Dean thought.

 

*** 

 

It had been a couple days after they returned when Cas dropped the news. He said they had to have a ‘family meeting’ and Dean groaned.

 

Cas had made them sandwiches, this time without killing the pig, and bought them beers. Dean and Sam were touched, but there was something about it that made Dean nervous.

Sam and Dean were sitting on the couch with Chuck squeezed between them. Cas was sitting in a chair across from them, sipping a beer.

 

Sam leaned forward, “So, Cas, what was it you wanted to talk to us about?”

 

Cas set his beer down and stood up. Uh-oh, this was going to be bad, Dean thought. Cas smiled at them and said, “You guys have been so kind to me. I wouldn’t be a hunter if it wasn’t for both of you. You’ve taken me in and trained me. You’ve been the greatest of friends to me.”

 

Dean could feel the nerves building in his stomach and his heart started beating faster. Sam glanced at Dean and then back at Cas. “Are you breaking up with us, Cas?” Sam laughed.

 

“I’m not sure I understand that, but…” Cas looked away for a minute and then turned back around. “I have decided that I should try to be a hunter away from…with someone else. Like a team. Like you guys.”

 

Dean dreaded the answer, the answer that he already knew, but he asked anyway. “With who, Cas?”

 

Cas sat down and looked down at his hands. “With Matt.”

 

Dean felt his stomach drop and he fought the tears he could feel coming. He felt Sam’s eyes on him and he wished Sam would just look back at Cas.

 

Sam leaned back. “With, Matt, huh?”

 

Cas nodded and glanced at Dean, who looked away. Cas looked back at Sam and continued, “He doesn’t have a partner anymore and…and well, you two work so well together that…”

 

Dean looked at him. “Is he who you’ve been talking to?” Dean hated the crack in his voice, and cleared his throat to cover it.

 

“Yes.” Cas and Dean looked at each other for a minute, until Dean could no longer take the look of pity.

 

Dean stood up and headed to the kitchen, grabbing another beer. Sam watched him and then turned back to Cas. “So, when are you planning on leaving?” Sam asked.

 

“Tomorrow.”

 

Dean’s mouth fell open a bit and he had to stop himself from yelling. “Tomorrow?” Dean croaked out.

 

“Yes, he has a place a few towns over and I’ll just…”

 

“You’re gonna live with him?” Dean asked.

 

“Yes, of course.” Cas said. Looking confused at the question.

 

“But you hardly know him.” Dean didn’t understand any of this.

 

“Dean, he has a spare room.” Cas said it like it answered everything.

 

Dean just looked at him for a minute, his bottom lip quivering. He shook his head and walked back to the couch. Dean pointed down at Chuck. “Well, what about him?”

 

“I thought he should stay here.”

 

“What!?” Dean didn’t mean to yell, but he couldn’t help it. “You brought this cat here, without asking, and now you’re just gonna leave him here. Just abandon him.”

 

Cas’ mouth turned down into a frown. “This is his home now, Dean. I think he should stay.”

 

Dean opened his mouth to yell, fight or something, but he couldn’t find the words. Instead he did the only thing he could. He stalked from the cabin, grabbing the car keys on the way.

 

Dean drove baby for an hour, finally stopping near a lake. He got out of the car and leaned up against the door. He looked up to the sky and shook his head. He felt the tears falling.

 

“Everything leaves, huh?” He wiped away the tears. “You couldn’t let this one thing stay? Just this one time.”

 

He looked down to the ground and let another tear fall.

 

 ***

 

Dean returned a couple hours later and hoped that he could sneak off to bed without anyone commenting. But when he opened the door he saw Cas, sitting on the couch, Chuck in his lap.

 

Dean closed the door and Cas stood up, putting the cat down on the couch. Dean tossed his keys on a nearby table and took his jacket off.

 

“Hello, Dean.”

 

“Where’s Sam?”

 

“He went to bed. He thought we should talk alone.”

 

Dean rubbed his eyes. “There’s nothing to talk about, Cas.” Dean headed to the fridge, grabbing a beer. “You’re leaving, right?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well, I wish you luck with that.” Dean took a swig of beer and headed toward his bed.

 

“Dean.”

 

Dean stopped. “What?”

 

“I’m not trying to hurt you.”

 

Dean snapped around. “You think I’m hurt?” Dean stepped toward Cas. “Well, guess what, Cas. I don’t give a fuck what you do. Never have. Never will.”

 

Cas looked at him with such hurt and confusion that Dean decided he could never hate himself more than he did at that moment. “You don’t mean that, Dean.”

 

Dean just shrugged. “You’re wrong. I mean every word.” He turned away and headed to his room.

 

He collapsed on his bed and wished that God would smite him right then and there.

 

***

 

Dean watched silently from the corner as Cas said his goodbyes to Sam and to Chuck. Cas had avoided him all morning and Dean couldn’t blame him. What he’d said was cruel and heartless; not to mention, utter bullshit. Dean knew that and he suspected, or hoped that Cas did too. He said he could tell when he was lying and this was the only time Dean wished it was true.

 

Dean knew he should apologize. Tell Cas that he didn’t mean any of the words he said. That of course he was hurt. That he didn’t know how to tell Cas what he meant to him. That he didn’t even fully understand what he meant to him. He wanted to beg Cas to stay. To tell him that he couldn’t do this without him.

 

But Dean just stood there, watching.

 

Sam gave Cas a hug and told him to call if anything should happen. Cas said the same to Sam and then he looked toward Dean and Dean almost cried.

 

Sam looked at Dean, a pleading look on his face, but he just stood there, rooted in his own private hell.

 

Cas looked around the cabin. “Well, goodbye Sam. Chuck.” Cas looked at Dean again. Dean looked down at the ground and Cas said. “Goodbye, Dean.” And then he was gone.

 

Dean whispered, “Goodbye, Cas.” And went back to bed.

 

He pulled the covers back and climbed into bed. He felt two paws pawing at his head. He turned around and saw Chuck staring at him. Dean picked the cat up and held him in his arms, crying.

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tries to deal with Cas' absence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a much shorter chapter, but the next one will make up for that. This is angst filled, but has some fluff. As always, a million thanks to my beta Wisconsennach for all her wonderful suggestions and edits. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and for the feedback so far.

 

The first week was the hardest. Sam kept begging Dean to contact Cas, telling him he would regret it if he didn’t. Dean just turned the T.V. up, stormed off or simply told Sam to shut it. Dean didn’t want to admit the truth; that he’d tried to call Cas every night. He’d pick up his phone and stare at Cas’ name. He imagined pushing the button, hearing Cas’ voice, and being able to tell him everything Dean had left unsaid. Cas would tell him everything was okay and that he would come back, he would hunt with them.

 

But inevitably it would always end with Dean tossing the phone aside and crawling under the covers, fully clothed.

 

Praying was out of the question. Dean told Sam that if he caught him praying to Cas, he would kick him out. Trying to lighten the mood, Sam told Dean that it wouldn’t matter if he did pray to Cas, since Cas would only answer Dean, anyway. This broke Dean a little more, so he proceeded to finish off every drop of alcohol they had.

 

He continued drinking more and more that first week; Sam picking him up off the floor on more than one occasion. He even got kicked out of the local dive bar after starting a fight with some jackasses.

 

When he started drinking with breakfast, Sam had had enough. “Dean, if you’re hell bent on destroying yourself, you’re going to have to do it alone.”

 

Dean sulked and told Sam that that was fine by him; he’d be better off alone.  Alone he was used to. He could do alone. Sam said “Fine,” and left for a couple of days, saying he needed to handle a hunt on his own without his drunken brother.

 

Sam had Carla come and check on Dean while he was gone, but that was a bad idea. Dean, drunk as usual, made a pass at Carla, which earned him a slap and a look of pity.

 

When Sam returned, two days later, Dean told him he would try and change. He’d stop drinking before noon and would stay sober for hunts. Dean could see the doubt in Sam’s face, but Sam agreed to stay.

 

Dean did stop drinking before noon and he was mostly sober on future hunts. But that didn’t stop him from taking a flask with him to bed every night.

 

When the third week came, Sam got a call from Cas. Sam looked at Dean, a question in his eyes. Dean shook his head and Sam went outside to finish the call.

 

When Sam was done with his conversation, he came back in, sat next to Dean and pretended like nothing happened. Dean wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or angry.

 

Then one day, while they were driving off to Colorado, chasing a possible shape shifter, Sam brought up Matt. “Look, man, I know you don’t like the guy, but he seems to be working well with Cas and maybe if you guys just sat down and…”

 

Dean slammed the brakes, stopping the car in the middle of the road, causing Sam’s head  to almost hit the dash. “Don’t you ever, ever ask me to do that!”

 

Sam looked at him, stunned. “Jesus, Dean, why the fuck do you hate him so much?” Dean looked away, swallowing. “And you can’t just say it’s because he’s some jerk. Is it just because he took Cas from…”

 

Dean pressed down on the gas. “He didn’t ‘take’ Cas away from anyone, because Cas didn’t belong to anyone to begin with.”

 

He could feel Sam staring at him, could feel the tension and even a little fear. But that was the last time Sam brought Matt up. And pretty soon he stopped asking Dean if he was ever going to talk to Cas again.

 

***

 

The fifth and sixth weeks were punctuated by sex; lots of sex. Dean would pick up a new girl practically every night. He had taken to getting his own motel room, since Sammy had accidentally walked in on him one night.

 

He never knew their names, just their hair color. Tuesday night was blonde, big tits, and a high-pitched voice. Thursday was a redhead, and yes, the carpet did match the drapes. Friday was a brunette with a nice heart shaped ass. She screamed so loud when she came, Dean was  sure the cops would come.

 

And Sunday; Sunday had dark hair, blue eyes and a smile that reached her eyes. When Dean came, he cried. When she asked what was wrong, he grabbed his clothes and ran; driving back to the cabin in only his boxers.

 

He stormed past Sam, who was staring at him from the couch, and slammed the bathroom door. Dean leaned over the sink, feeling that stupid pain in his heart swelling up again. He closed his eyes and saw Cas’ face flash before him, bright smile. “What the Hell is wrong with you, man?” And then he saw Matt, arm around Cas, winking at Dean. He opened his eyes and looked at his reflection and nearly thought, “You fucking idiot! What, you really thought he cared about you? That he would stay?” Dean slammed his fist into the mirror, shattering the glass.

 

Sam stitched him up without saying a word and Dean stopped having sex.

 

***

 

As the second month came to a close, Dean decided to take up running. Sam looked at him like he was from another planet when he mentioned it. “What, I can’t get a little exercise, Sammy?”

 

Sam shrugged, “No. Didn’t say that, but running?”

 

“Yeah, running.” Dean plugged in the earbuds and headed out.

 

The first run was the hardest. He thought he was going to pass out after the first mile. He felt like such an old man. He was a hunter, for crying out loud.  This should be easy. The next morning was even worse. He could barely move he was so sore.

 

But he pushed on and by the end of the week he was kind of enjoying it.

 

They got a case in Iowa, a Rugaru. Dean welcomed the hunt. And he swore the running was upping his game.

 

They took it out in record time and when they got back to the cabin Dean felt happy for the first time since Cas had left. It was nice, being able to really laugh again.   

 

That night Dean emptied the contents of his flask into the sink.

 

***

 

Month three was The Month of The Cat. They still had Chuck, despite the numerous times Dean had tried to get rid of him. He knew Sam had grown fond of it and there was a part of Dean that felt guilty for wanting to get rid of the thing. After all, its first owner abandoned it here, same as them.

 

And then somewhere along the line Dean started liking the damn thing. Chuck had started sleeping in his bed at night. At first Dean would kick him out and threaten to throw him outside, but soon he started to like the feel of the cat by his feet at night. The warmth it provided on cold nights. The soft purr it would make when Dean would scratch its chin. And then, soon enough, Chuck was his.

 

Dean fed it, bought it a ridiculous amount of toys, even though it only seemed interested in string, and he even cleaned up its shit. Sam had noticed too and laughed till he was crying when he caught Dean using baby talk with Chuck. This earned Sam a shoe to the head and a sworn promise to never tell anyone.

 

When they would go on hunts Dean would catch himself worrying about Chuck. Hoping that the cat would eat right and still play and, most of all, hoping the cat wouldn’t forget him. Dean hated how that last thought would plague him until he got safely back to the cabin and Chuck was purring at his feet. It was almost embarrassing how much he loved that cat.

 

The days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months and before Dean knew it, it had been almost six months since Cas had left. A half year. Twenty-four weeks. One hundred fifty odd days. A little over thirty –six hundred hours. Not that he was counting.

 

Dean and Sam kept busy, taking on as many hunts as they could. Dean even went on a few by himself, but only after Sammy swore up and down that he would make sure to look after Chuck.

 

And when they found themselves with a rare day off they would spend the time grilling up burgers or catching up on some crappy blockbusters. They even got to go to some local baseball game. Suddenly whole days went by where everything felt insanely… normal.

 

Sam still didn’t bring up Cas, although Dean did catch him talking to him briefly a couple times. When Sam saw him he quickly jumped up and hurried outside. Dean never mentioned it. He didn’t want to hear Sam make excuses for why Cas hadn’t asked about him.

 

So he would pretend he didn’t hear their hurried conversations and Sam wouldn’t bring it up. And then pretty soon it seemed that Sam had stopped talking to him and then it was almost like Cas was a stranger; just another hunter in the world.

 

***

It was the six month mark and Dean was on his morning run when it hit him. He was surviving, really surviving, without Cas. It was like a ton of bricks collapsing on top of him. He stopped running and walked over to a log. He sat down and really looked around him.

 

Cas had told them that humans never really appreciated the beauty that surrounded them. At the time Dean thought he was full of shit. The world was a dark and scary place and there were a million things out there that wanted to kill you at any given moment. But Cas had told him that there was still a lot of beauty in this world, he just had to open his eyes and see.

 

Now, sitting here, realizing that despite what he thought, what he felt, that he really could live without Cas, he saw the world. He really saw it. And it was beautiful. The way the sun hit the leaves on the trees, casting small shadows on the ground. Or the little chirp of some bird in the distance or the light breeze that blew through the branches.

 

Then he saw the bee, a damn bee. And God help him, it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen. He stood up and followed the bee as it wound it’s way through the woods and toward a small lake. There the bee stopped and landed on a flower and Dean let out a little laugh.

 

He looked out over the body of water and before he knew it he was praying. But not a prayer like before. This one had no desperation to it, no urgency or doom, it was more like conversation.

 

“Cas, I don’t know if you can hear me, but I saw it today. I really saw it and you’re right, this is a beautiful place.” Dean took a deep breath, a smile spreading across his lips. “And I wish you were here.”

 

Dean stood there for a minute, watching the sun light hit the water. Then he heard it, the comforting sound of an angel arriving. Dean stood still, afraid of turning around and seeing nothing there.

 

After a moment, he heard that deep voice behind him. “Hello, Dean.”  And Dean felt all the tension he had been holding inside lift. And he felt the tears falling.

 

Dean turned around and looked at Cas. And through choked tears, he spoke. “Hey, Cas.”


	4. Three Little Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean confronts his true feelings and his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to give a big shout out to my amazing beta, Wisconsennach, who helped in so many ways with this chapter and is responsible for a lot of the wonderful lines, especially some of the end scene. You are a rock star and I love that we are on the same wave length. I can't thank you enough!
> 
> Warning: This chapter does contain a homophobic slur. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has read so far and given me feedback. I really appreciate it. :)

 

Dean could still feel the tears in his eyes as he stood looking at Cas. Cas took a step toward Dean, his arms stretched toward him and without a second thought, Dean fell into Cas’ arms. Dean let Cas hold him for a few minutes, his hand cupping the back of Dean’s head, warmth pooling in his stomach.

 

After a minute longer, they pulled apart and stood in silence, just taking each other in. Cas was wearing his trench coat, but the suit he usually wore was gone. It had been replaced by jeans, and a tight t-shirt. No doubt this was Matt’s doing, but Dean liked it, even if it did give him a little pang. He caught himself staring at Cas a little bit longer than he’d intended.

 

Dean gave a quick shake of his head and met Cas’ eyes. He smiled and gestured toward Cas’ outfit. “No more suit?”

 

“Well, I still have it for cover, you know, but…” Cas stopped talking and looked away from Dean.

 

“You look good, Cas.”

 

Cas smiled and relaxed. “Thank you, Dean.”

 

Dean cleared his throat. “Cas, I…I’m sorry about the way we left things. I never should’ve said…”

 

Cas held his hand up. “It’s okay, Dean.”

 

“No, it’s not. I was an ass and I didn’t…the things I said…”

 

“You were upset and I shouldn’t have just dropped that on you. I owe you more than that.”

 

“You don’t owe me anything, Cas.” Dean smiled sadly at him.

 

“How’s Chuck?”

 

Dean laughed a little. “He’s good, Cas. He…well, he sort of became mine.”

 

“I always knew he would, Dean.”

 

Dean walked over to a bench, taking a seat.  Cas followed and sat down next to him. Dean looked out over the water. “So, how is…um…how is it? Working with Matt?”

 

Cas glanced at Dean. “It’s different… He’s a lot…louder, I guess. But he’s…” Cas stopped talking and Dean saw a tiny smile playing at the corner of his mouth.

 

“So, you like it?”

 

Cas looked at Dean, searching his face for a moment. “Yes, I do.”

 

“I don’t know if he ever told you, but I hunted with him for a while when Sam was in school.”

 

“He told me.” Dean looked at Cas, wondering exactly what Matt might have said. Cas continued, “He does like you, Dean, despite what you might think.”

 

“He is a good hunter and yes, I’ll admit, he is a great storyteller.”

 

“But you still don’t trust him.”

 

“It’s not just that, Cas. I just…” Dean shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

 

They sat in silence for a minute, watching the water and listening to the sounds around them. After a minute, Dean cleared his throat and steeled himself to ask the question he was dreading. “Cas, can I ask you something?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Um…this is awkward and maybe none of my business, but…” Dean didn’t know how to ask this or why he even cared, but he had to know. He took a deep breath and looked at Cas, but instead of asking the question he was afraid to he said, “Cas, you know Matt is gay, right?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Oh, well I wasn’t sure if…I mean I don’t care that he is, but you’re an angel and I know the bible says…”

 

Cas placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Your bible doesn’t know everything. God doesn’t care as much about that as people want to believe.”

 

Dean looked at Cas, trying to prepare himself for the next question. “Cas, I saw the way that…” Dean closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “Are you…are you and he…I mean I don’t know how…you kissed Meg that one time and then the hooker and…” He was rambling and he secretly hoped that Cas had no idea what he was trying to ask.

 

Cas nodded at Dean and looked out over the trees. “Yes, Dean. Matt and I have kissed.”

 

Dean felt a pang of jealousy that ripped through his heart. “Oh,” was all Dean could say.

 

Cas looked at him. “We’ve pretty much just kissed. I mean there was some…”

 

Dean held up his hand. “That’s okay, I don’t need details.” Dean leaned forward, not sure what to do now.

 

“I hope that you’re not mad at me, Dean.”

 

“Mad at you?”

 

Cas looked at his hands and his eyes conveyed deep concern. “Matt, he told me about…about you two and how you…”

 

“How I what?” Dean, dreading where this was headed, stood up and began pacing.

 

Cas looked up at him. “He told me that you…you had feelings for him at one point and that…”

 

Dean stopped dead in his tracks. “He said what? That’s….that’s…I never…”

 

Cas stood, placing a hand on Dean’s arm. “Dean, it’s okay, I’m not judging you. Matt says he forgives you for….”

 

Dean pulled away from Cas. “Forgives me!? What does that…He’s lying to you, Cas, okay? He came on to me and I turned him down. And ever since then he’s been an asshole to me.”

 

Cas just cocked his head and looked at Dean with such pity that he wished he’d kept running and never said that prayer. “Dean…”

 

“You know what?  This was a mistake… maybe…” Dean looked around, trying to find an escape.

 

“Dean, it’s okay if you liked Matt, he’s a great guy.”

 

“Are you trying to say I’m gay, Cas?”

 

“No, I didn’t say that.”

 

“Because I’m not gay. I was young and he…he was just…my dad was gone and always worried about Sam and Matt was…” Dean could feel tears forming and he wished he could fly away like Cas.

 

Cas stepped closer to Dean and put his hands on his neck. “Dean, I understand now, that’s all. I understand now why you didn’t want me to get close to Matt.”

 

“You think I…” Dean let out a laugh, but there was no humor behind it.” You actually think that I wanted Matt for…? Jesus, Cas.” Dean sat back down. “That’s not why.”

 

Cas sat down next to him. “Then why?”

 

“I…I don’t even know…I just…”

 

Cas put his hand on Dean’s leg and the warmth went straight to his heart. Dean turned his head and looked at Cas, searching his eyes for something other than pity or sorrow. But he couldn’t see past that to anything else.

 

Dean stood up. “I bet Matt is worried about you.”

 

“Dean…”

 

Dean felt Cas behind him. “Take care, Cas” And he ran.

 

***

 

Dean ran into the cabin, past Sam, who barely had a chance to register how harried his brother was, and into the bathroom.

 

Dean locked the door behind him and collapsed onto the floor, his head in his hands. He knew that Cas and Matt had probably…gotten close and he had tried to prepare himself for that, but the confirmation hurt Dean in ways he didn’t understand. And then to hear that Cas knew…that Matt had told him about…he wasn’t prepared for that. He didn’t even fully understand it himself.

 

Dean leaned his head back till it was touching the bathroom wall and closed his eyes. He hadn’t thought about that time in his life in so long that he had almost convinced himself it hadn’t happened. It was a little over ten years ago and Sam was in school and Dean’s dad was helping Bobby on some hunt. Dean was on his own, with no one to help him, when he met Matt. Matt knew his dad and was charming and fun and liked all the same music that Dean did.

 

They hit it off right away and for the first time in his life Dean felt like he had a friend. They started hunting together and were almost inseparable. Dean knew, almost from the get go, that Matt was gay. Dean had never thought of himself as homophobic, but he usually felt uncomfortable when the subject came up. But with Matt it was different. He was so confident in who he was that it made Dean like him even more. Plus, Dean had to admit that it was a nice way to impress the ladies, being secure in himself enough to have a gay friend.

 

Matt and Dean had been hunting together for about six months when something changed. Dean started to look at Matt differently and it scared the hell out of him. Every time Matt would laugh at a joke Dean made, he would feel his heart fill up and when Matt touched him, his stomach would do flip-flops. He was still attracted to women and still looked at his fair share of porn, but he felt something for Matt too and he didn’t know what to do with it. Dean didn’t really understand the whole bi thing. For him you were either straight or gay and no in between. But his attraction to Matt wouldn’t go away, no matter how hard he tried.

 

Then, one night after they’d been out drinking, Dean had enough Dutch courage, or stupidity, to kiss Matt. It was sloppy and awkward at first, but Dean liked it. He liked the feel of Matt’s strong hands on his face; liked the light stubble on his chin. The kiss was short, but Dean wanted to do it again and he leaned in, but Matt stopped him. He told Dean that he couldn’t do this; that Dean was his best friend, but he didn’t look at him that way.  

 

Dean was crushed and angry and did what he did best, turned the tables on Matt. He called him a fucking faggot; telling him he must have slipped him a Mickey. Matt tried to calm Dean down, to reason with him. Dean just pushed him away, telling him he hated him and never wanted to see him again. A few years had passed before Dean saw Matt again and he tried to ignore him. Matt wanted to talk about it, but Dean told him there was nothing to talk about and made him promise to never bring it up again.

 

Dean turned all his embarrassment, shame, and guilt into hatred for Matt.  Deep down he knew that was wrong. But this…ache that he was feeling now, it had nothing to do with that. His attraction to Matt had stopped a long time ago and he had never looked at another man that way again until…Dean hit his head against the tiled wall.   

 

There was a knock on the bathroom door. “Dean?” Sam softly asked. “Are you okay?”

 

Dean wiped his eyes and cleared his throat. “I’m fine, Sammy.”

 

Dean stood up and opened the bathroom door. Sam looked at him, concern spread across his face.  “How was your run?”

 

Dean walked past him. “It was fine.”

 

“Dean…”

 

“Did you find us a case?”

 

Sam hesitated for a moment and then went over to his computer. “Um…yeah. A couple of deaths in New Mexico, look to possibly be a werewolf and…”

 

Dean grabbed his keys. “Great. New Mexico. Werewolf. Let’s go.”

 

“Don’t you want to hear the…”

 

“You can tell me in the car.” Dean grabbed Sam’s jacket, tossing it to him and walked toward the door, snatching his duffel on the way out. After a moment Sam followed him.

 

***

 

They were driving toward New Mexico and Sam was telling Dean the details of the case. Three women had been killed in the last week, all with their hearts ripped out. The local coroner said it must have been a vicious animal attack, but some of the locals weren’t sure. They said they had seen strange things and that the attacks all happened shortly after a new guy, Craig, had moved to town and opened up a bar and grill, hoping to cash in on the tourists.

 

Sam added that after checking into Craig’s background he discovered that similar attacks had happened in the town Craig came from. It seemed like a quick, straightforward case and they both agreed that they would start with Craig when they reached the town.

 

They continued on in silence for a few minutes, the faint sound of the radio in the background. Dean cleared his throat. “I saw Cas.”

 

Sam looked at him while Dean kept his eyes on the road. “When?”

 

Dean rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. “This morning, during my run.”

 

Sam was quiet for a moment, looking out the windshield. “How is he?”

 

“He’s…I think he’s happy.” Dean’s voice cracked a little bit on the last word.

 

Sam looked over at Dean. “So, is he…are he and Matt…”

 

“Yes, I think so. He said they kissed and…well I asked him not to go into further detail.”

 

“Huh. So, Cas is gay. Can angels be gay or straight for that matter?”

 

“Hell if I know.” They were silent again for a few minutes.

 

Dean could practically hear Sam thinking. ‘What, Sammy?”

 

“How do you feel about that?”

 

“About Cas being gay?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I don’t care. Why would I care?”

 

“I don’t know. I just thought that maybe it would be weird for you with him being with Matt and…”

 

Shit, did he know? “Why the fuck would it be weird? I mean what  Cas and Matt do behind closed doors is between them.”

 

Sam held his hand up. “Relax, Dean. I just mean that Matt was your friend and that might be weird.”

 

“Was, Sammy, was.”

 

“Forget it.”

 

Another moment of silence passed before Sam spoke again. “How was it…seeing Cas?” Sam looked over at him.

 

Dean had to think about that for a minute. He wasn’t sure how to answer at first and then he thought back to first seeing him at the lake and he spoke. “It was…it was nice. It was really nice.”

 

Sam smiled and turned back toward the front of the car.

 

***

 

They arrived in the small ski town of Angel Fire, New Mexico, a day later and checked into a motel. A visit to the local coroner confirmed what they had suspected and they set off to find Craig.

 

Sam and Dean headed down to the bar and grill that Craig had opened and interviewed the bartender and waitress, asking if they noticed anything out of the ordinary about their new boss. They all seemed to like the man, although he kept to himself.

 

They got to Craig’s house just in time to stop him from attacking another local. They easily shot him in the heart and got the woman to safety.

 

After they disposed of the body, they quickly left town and headed back to the cabin.

 

They arrived early the next day and Dean tried not to show how excited he was to see Chuck again. They opened the front door and saw Cas sitting on the couch, Chuck in his lap.

 

Dean stopped in his tracks and just stared. Sam walked past him and Cas stood up. “Hey, Cas.” Sam said. They gave each other a quick hug. “Thanks again for stopping by and feeding Chuck.”

 

Dean shook his head and looked over at Sam. “You asked Cas to watch Chuck?”

 

“Yeah, well, Carla is on a hunt and I figured it would be easier, you know with…”

 

“...My ‘angel mojo’.” Cas winked and Dean couldn’t help but smile.

 

“Yep, plus I figured it would be fine since you saw him the other day.”

 

Dean just stood there in the doorway, not sure what to do. “I’m sorry, Dean, I know Chuck is your cat now. Sam just said that…”

 

Dean shook his head again and took a step inside. “It’s fine, Cas. Thanks for watching him.”

 

They stood staring at each other and Dean had to stop himself from running over to Cas and hugging him.

 

Sam cleared his throat. “Well, I’m going to the bathroom.” and left the room.  Dean almost laughed at how unsmooth it was.

 

Dean walked over to the couch and gave Chuck a little scratch behind the ear. “I think he’s happy to see you. He usually comes running over to me when I come home.”

 

“He’s a good cat.”

 

“Yeah.” Dean stopped petting the cat and stood up straighter. “Cas, I’m sorry I ran off like that this morning. I just…you took me by surprise and…” Dean glanced toward the bathroom door, making sure it was still closed.

 

Cas leaned closer to Dean and Dean smelled an almost honey scented aftershave. He tried not to inhale too much of it. “Don’t worry, Dean, I won’t tell Sam.”

 

Dean smiled at him.

 

Sam came back into the room and clapped Cas on the back. “So, do you have to go back or do you want to stay for dinner. Dean could grill up some hamburgers.”

 

Cas and Dean continued to look at each other. “I’d like that.”

 

Dean felt almost giddy with the thought of Cas being back in their cabin. Until Sam added, “And of course you can bring Matt.”

 

Dean’s face dropped and he quickly looked away. Cas knitted his brow. “Um…I don’t have to. I can just tell Matt that…”

 

Dean looked back at Cas. “No, its fine, Cas. You can bring Matt.” Dean gave him a quick smile and then turned away. “I’ll go get things prepped. You use your ‘angel mojo’ and get Matt.” Dean stopped and glanced back at Cas. “But you guys are bringing beer.”

 

Cas smiled at him and disappeared.

 

***

 

Dean, Sam, Cas and Matt were sitting outside, their dinner finished. They were enjoying the nice night out, each with a beer in hand. Dean was trying hard not to look over at Matt and Cas, but it was hard not to. Matt always seemed to be finding a way to be touching Cas. First, it was just an arm behind him or a hand on his knee. But then there was the brief kiss he gave Cas. It was very chaste and just on the cheek, but to Dean they may as well have been having sex. It seemed so intimate and Dean made some excuse to head inside, his jaw aching from being clenched all night

 

Dean was standing at the sink, cleaning up, when Matt walked up to him. “Do you need any help?”

 

Dean shook his head. “Nope. I got it.”

 

Matt crossed his arms and leaned against the counter. “I know you and I aren’t exactly friends anymore, but I want to thank you for letting me come over here and for…for being okay with me and Cas.”

 

Dean shut his eyes tight and tried to stop his heart from pounding. “Cas can do whatever he wants, Matt. I don’t control him.”

 

“I know, but I also know that you two share a bond that…that I could never compete with.”

 

Dean turned off the water in the sink and turned to face Matt. “Cas is my friend, Matt, the only friend I have other than Sam.”

 

Matt looked down at his feet and then back up at Dean. “I know you’re still angry with me about…”

 

Dean shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

 

Matt nodded. “Okay, fair enough, but I still care about you Dean, no matter what. You’ll always be my friend.”

 

Dean turned away and started to put away some of the leftover food. He opened the fridge and looked over at Matt. “I am sorry, Matt, for the things I said to you that…that night. I never…I was cruel and it was because I was embarrassed and I’m truly sorry.”

 

“I know. And I understand.”

 

Dean put away the leftovers and closed the fridge. “But listen to me, Matt. If you hurt Cas in any way, I will end you.”

 

Matt smiled. “I know that too.”

 

“Good.” Dean walked away patting Matt on the shoulder.

 

***

 

Cas and Matt left an hour later and Dean plopped down on the sofa, petting Chuck. Sam walked over and sat down next to him. Dean could tell that there was something on Sam’s mind, but he seemed nervous. Finally, after Dean had enough of him shifting around in his seat, Dean sighed and said, “Sammy, I can hear you thinking from here. What?”

 

Sam turned a little bit in his seat, looking at Dean. “Okay, but before I say anything you have to try and be cool, you know don’t bite my head off.”

 

Dean groaned and set his beer down. “Okay, fine, I promise.” He motioned to Sam to continue.

“Um…okay, well, Dean I’ve watched you these past months, without Cas and now that you’ve seen him again and…” It seemed like Sam was losing his nerve, his hands were shaking and he kept avoiding Dean’s eyes. Inside Dean knew what Sam wanted to ask, but he didn’t dare say anything first.

 

“Sammy, go on.”

 

“Okay, well first, I would never leave you Dean, never.” He smiled at Dean. “You’re my brother and you’ve saved me more times than I can count and I know that no matter what you will be there for me. So, I just need you to know that no matter what I love you.”

 

Dean could feel the tears trying to come and he took a sip of beer. “I know, Sammy.”

 

Sam placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Dean, why were you so upset when Cas left?”

 

“You know why. I mean he stuck us with a cat and he went off with some guy he barely knew, who I hated and…”

 

Sam leaned forward. “C’mon Dean, that’s bullshit.  Why were you really upset?”

 

Dean studied the scars on his hands, looking at them was easier than examining what else was broken, in the dark corners inside him. He picked up his beer bottle, peeling the label off, and  started to ramble. “I already told you, Sam. The cat and Matt and all that crap, you know and he’s always leaving us for something and…”

 

“Dean, stop it, okay? Please, just look inside and say why you were really upset.”

 

Dean didn’t want to look inside. That was what was broken, what no one wanted.  He could feel his lower lip quivering and his hands were shaking. “Sammy, I can’t.”

 

“Yes you can, Dean. It’s okay.  I promise, I won’t run.”

 

Dean felt the first tear roll down his cheek. “I’m scared that if I say it…I’ll lose everything.”

 

Sam squeezed Dean’s shoulder. “I swear, you won’t.” Sam tucked his left leg under his right and really looked at Dean. “Why were you so upset when Cas left?”

 

Something broke inside him and the wall around his feelings crumbled and Dean started to sob. “Because I love him. I love him, Sam and I don’t know what to do.” Dean dropped his head into his hands, crying.

 

Sam put his arm around Dean. “I know, Dean. It’ll be okay.”

 

“What do I do, Sammy?” Dean croaked. “I don’t know what to do.”

 

Sam held him and whispered. “Well, you tell him, Dean.”

 

Dean looked up at Sam. “I can’t…I can’t do that…”

 

“Dean, if you don’t do that…just trust me, okay? You need to tell him.”

 

“But what if he…what if he hates me and I lose him?”

 

Sam let out a little laugh, but there was no cruelness in it, only love. “He won’t do that, Dean. Trust me.”

 

Dean let out a breath and nodded.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope to have the next chapter up soon, but may not be for a couple of days. Thank you again for reading!


	5. Being Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Dean have the courage to tell Cas how he really feels?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tons of love, thanks and heart shaped candies to my amazing beta, Wisconsennach, for her help on this chapter and the amazing edits/additions. I am blessed to have you as my beta for this piece. 
> 
> I was able to post sooner than I thought. More angst, but some fluff is thrown in. Hope everyone enjoys.

****

Tell Cas. How in the hell was he supposed to do that when he wasn’t even sure what that love meant? Sam and he had stayed up a little while longer, talking and even just sitting in silence. Dean had briefly touched on his history with Matt, but stopped short of telling him about the kiss. Dean wasn’t sure he was ready to reveal that to his brother.

 

But now those three words were hanging over his head and he didn’t know what to do. Dean threw the covers off and got out of bed.

 

He walked outside, hoping the crisp night air would clear his head. He looked up into the sky, studying the moon and the stars and willing himself not to pray.

 

Dean sat down on the small steps to the cabin and thought back on his years with Cas, trying to pinpoint that moment when he went from a pesky Angel on his shoulder, to a man that he loved, a man he trusted with everything he had… well, almost everything.

 

He went over the times that Cas saved him and that he saved Cas. He cataloged their fights and the times when they were so far apart that he thought they would never be together again. He remembered laughter and tears and the mark that Cas left on his skin, on all of him. 

 

He realized that there wasn’t one moment, one word or some divine date. The love he felt for Cas…was just there. It had always sort of been there, hanging like some unanswered question.

 

He glanced up to the sky and opened his mouth to pray, but stopped, struck with the fear of what to say. He tried to picture the moment he would tell Cas. He tried to imagine the words tumbling from his mouth, a declaration of love that would leave his soul bare. And every time he did all he could see was Cas looking at him with... confusion and pity. He saw Cas fleeing from the words or worse, laughing at him.

 

Dean looked down at his hands, they were shaking. He clasped them together tightly and brought them to his mouth. He couldn’t pray. Not today. He wasn’t ready today.

 

***

 

Sam and Dean were sitting on the couch, silently eating some breakfast. Sam hadn’t mentioned the previous evening’s conversation, even though Dean knew he was dying to, and Dean was grateful for that.

 

Sam was flipping through a paper and Dean was watching the news on mute. Dean could feel Sam watching him and Sam’s knee was bouncing in this anxious way that made Dean want to scream.

 

After a few minutes, Dean couldn’t take it anymore. He set his coffee cup down and put his hands on his legs. “Okay, Sammy, spill it.”

 

“Huh? I’m just reading the paper.”

 

“You’ve been reading the same damn page for the last twenty minutes.”

 

Sam glanced at the paper, shrugged and set it down. “Okay, fine. I was just…well, okay…it’s killing me, Dean. When are you going to tell Cas?”

 

“Jesus, Sam, you sound like a fucking chick.”

 

“Dean…”

 

“Sam, I don’t know, okay?”

 

“Maybe you should invite him to dinner?”

 

Dean scoffed. “Like a date?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Sam, he’s…” Dean looked at his cup of coffee and swallowed. “You know what, can we just put a pin in that for now? Have you found a case?”

 

“Dean, we can…”

 

Dean reached over and grabbed the paper from Sam. “There has to be some kind of life threatening danger out there.”

 

Sam groaned as Dean perused the paper.

 

***

 

As ‘luck’ would have it, there seemed to be whole lot of nothing going on in the world. No demonic activity or vampires or heck, barely even any ghost activity. Dean was getting desperate, he had to find something.  He had to distract himself, to stop the running loop in his mind. He started looking at paranormal sites, perusing their message boards, until he found something.

 

It was a case in Buena Vista, Colorado. A single mother of two had tripped over some toy that she insisted a ghost had pushed in front of her. She claimed that there had been cold spots, flickering lights and ‘odd noises’ happening in her house for weeks. Dean knew this was probably a dead end, but he didn’t care, he grabbed the thread and ran with it.

 

Dean told Sam he’d found something and told him the details, or what little details he had. Sam looked at him like he was crazy. “You think that is a case?”

 

“I mean she said weird noises, flickering lights… Cold spots… c’mon, Sam!”

 

“Jesus, Dean, you sounded like the Ghostfacers.”

 

Dean pointed at him. “Take that back.”

 

Sam shrugged. “I’m sorry man, but that just doesn’t seem like a case.”

 

Dean leaned forward. “Look, I know it seems like a whole lot of nothing and it probably is, but if I don’t get out of here and do something, anything, I’m gonna lose my fucking mind.”

 

“You know, there is something else you could be doing, Dean.”

 

“Sammy, please, just humor me.”

 

Sam looked at him for a minute and Dean could tell he was debating it in his head. After a moment he relented, “Fine, but the second we discover this is really nothing…”

 

Dean held up his hands. “We’ll leave, I promise.” Dean smiled and grabbed the car keys.

 

The car ride was quiet and Dean knew Sam was trying his best not to mention Cas. They arrived in the little town of Buena Vista early the next morning and checked into a local motel. Once there they started to do some research on the 1950's bungalow where the broken arm incident occurred.  No mysterious deaths, in fact no deaths at all and the only weird story was the one the current owner posted on the paranormal site.

 

“I told you, Dean, this is not a case.”

 

“Well, you don’t know that. We haven’t even interviewed her.”

 

Sam laughed, “Dean, the woman tripped over a toy on the ground that her son left there and she claims it was pushed in front of her.”

 

“Maybe it was.”

 

“Dean…”

 

“Sam, let’s just talk to her and then you can tell me that this is a bullshit case.”

 

Sam gave him a small smile and nodded. “Fine, let’s get this over with.”

 

They headed over to the house and were greeted by Mrs. Calhoun, divorced mother of two. Her arm was in a sling and her hair and house were a mess. She welcomed Dean and Sam in, after they claimed to be from some “Paranormal Times” magazine.

 

She poured them some coffee and regaled them with tales of flickering lights and music seemingly turning on by itself. She then recounted the ‘incident’ with the toy. She claimed that she had picked up all her son’s toy cars, but looking around the house Dean had a hard time believing that. She said the spirit was angry and decided to shove the toy fire truck in her path, tripping her and causing her to break her arm.

 

Dean and Sam glanced at each other and Dean could see the look of annoyance on Sam’s face. Dean looked back at Mrs. Calhoun. “Ma’am, do you mind if we take a look around?” He pulled out his EMF meter. “This here will tell us how powerful the spirit is.”

 

“Oh, of course.” She nearly leapt up in excitement. “Can I join you?”

 

“No, Ma’am, it’s…safer if you stay here.”

 

She nodded and Sam and Dean headed toward the back of the house first, EMF meters in hand.

 

Sam leaned over. “There’s nothing here, Dean. She smelled no sulfur and our meters…well, I got nothin’.”

 

“I know, okay, but let’s just humor her for a few more minutes.”

 

Sam groaned. “Her?”

 

Sam rolled his eyes and followed Dean as he “investigated” the woman’s house.

 

After a few minutes of searching the house without a single EMF reading, Dean and Sam headed back to the front of the house. Sam leaned over. “What the hell are we going to tell her?”

 

“Just follow my lead.”

 

Mrs. Calhoun jumped up from her seat when she saw them return, a goofy smile on her face. “So?”

 

“Well, it looks like you have a…ah…playful ghost.” Dean lied.

 

Sam looked at him and Dean just shrugged. Sam sighed and turned back toward Mrs. Calhoun. “Yes, a playful ghost. It happens from time to time. Nothing to worry about, it means no harm.”

 

She knitted her brows and pointed to her arm. “Well, it wasn’t trying to hurt you.” Dean added. “It simply wanted to play.”

 

She looked at them like she thought they were crazy and scoffed. “I knew I should’ve called those Ghostfacers guys.”

 

Dean opened his mouth to let her have it, when Sam grabbed his arm. “We’re sorry Ma’am.” and led Dean toward the front door.

 

They headed back to the motel and Sam went in to check out. Dean opened up the local and national papers, scouring again.

 

Sam got back into the car and looked over at him. “Well, can we go now?”

 

“Just a minute, I thought maybe there would be something else that…”

 

Sam sighed. “Dean, I’m exhausted and we haven’t slept in almost forty-eight hours.”

 

“Well, I saw something in there that could be vamp related…I mean some blood went missing.”

 

Sam closed his eyes and balled up his fists. He let out an exasperated sigh and looked at Dean. “Blood went missing? Like, from a blood bank?”

 

Dean nodded, a little bit too enthusiastically. “Fourth time this month. I’m tellin’ ya, Sammy, it’s vamps.”

 

“Okay, so how many people have died.”

 

“Well…none yet, but it’s just a matter of time.”

 

Sam laid his head back. “This doesn’t sound like a case, Dean.”

 

“Okay, maybe not, but you gotta admit, missing blood is weird and…”

 

Sam sat up straighter. “Dean....”

 

Dean looked down at the steering wheel. “I know, okay, but this is just one state away and I promise, if there is nothing we’ll go home.”

 

Sam just stared at Dean, his eyes a little sad, before relenting. “Fine, but I’m sleeping.”

 

Dean gave him a half-smile and Sam curled up and slept through almost the entire drive to Wyoming.

 

***

 

The case turned out to be nothing, literally nothing. Turned out the papers had exaggerated the story and it was more a case of some employee getting stoned and misplacing blood. Dean tried to argue that that sounded like a load of horse shit and that there must be something else going on, but Sam gave him a look that told him that if he didn’t drop it Sam would kick his ass.

 

“Fine, we’ll leave.”

 

“Thank you!” Sam said as he headed back to the car.

 

Once they were back inside the Impala, Dean felt nerves coursing through him. He just sat there, key in the ignition.

 

“Why aren’t we moving, Dean?”

 

Dean was dead still, his hands gripping the steering wheel like a lifeline. Sam waved a hand in front of Dean’s face. “Hello?  Earth to Dean.” Dean shook his head and looked at Sam. “You need sleep. Let me drive.”

 

“I don’t wanna go back there, Sammy.”

 

“Dean…”

 

“No.  There has got to be another case somewhere. I mean, I’ll sleep and then we can head out tomorrow and find…”

 

“No, Dean.” Dean looked at him and saw the frustration in Sam’s eyes. “We’re going home, back to the cabin.”

 

“How about we just find a motel and head back tomorrow?”

 

Sam sighed and grabbed the keys out of the ignition. “I’m driving. You’re sleeping.”

 

Dean opened his mouth to protest, but Sam shook his head.

 

He relented and they switched places. Dean placed his head down and fell asleep.

 

***

 

They arrived back at the cabin the next day and Dean felt his heart hammer, like he almost expected Cas to be there when he went inside. Sam opened the door and Dean paused for a moment before walking in.

 

They were greeted by Chuck and Sam tossed the keys on a table. “I’m taking a shower. You should eat something Dean.”

 

“Yeah.  Sure.” Dean said absently, as he looked around the cabin for a moment. There were empty food containers littering the kitchen counter and a layer of dust that seemed to cover every inch of the place. Dean went into the kitchen, looking under the sink. He pulled out some cleaning supplies and set about cleaning up.

 

A few minutes later, when Sam got out of the shower, Dean was busy scrubbing the kitchen counters. Sam looked at him, furrowed brow. “Dean, what are you doing?”

 

“This is called cleaning, Sammy.”

 

“I know that, but why are you cleaning now?”

 

“Because this place is a mess.”

 

Dean continued to scrub, throwing away all the empty containers and then tackling the fridge. He cleared out the rotting take out and scrubbed the fridge down.

 

He then moved to the living room, dusting the table and even dusting the couch. Sam went to bed somewhere between the dusting of the lamps and the rearranging of what little furniture they had.

 

Dean continued to clean into the night, ignoring the exhaustion that longed to take over. And as the sun rose, Dean was finishing with his third wash of the floors.  Rufus’ cabin was damn near unrecognizable, it was so goddamned clean.

 

Dean looked around, trying to find something else to clean, but everything shined like new. He went to the bathroom, but that too he’d tackled. There was nothing else for him to do. He collapsed on to the couch, allowing the exhaustion to take over and fell asleep.

 

***

Dean woke up later in the day, the sun shining on his face. He stretched and rubbed his eyes.

 

“I thought you were gonna sleep all day.” Sam was standing in the corner, his arms crossed.

 

Dean yawned. “What time is it?”

 

Sam didn’t even need to check. “Two.”

 

“Jesus.” Dean sat up, his head in his hands.

 

“You, ah…you really cleaned this place.”

 

“Well, it needed it.”

 

Sam was looking around the spotless place and shaking his head. “I almost feel afraid to touch anything.”

 

“Yeah, well, just try and keep it neat.”

 

Dean got up and headed to the bathroom, every inch of the room was pristine. He splashed his face with water before exiting.

 

Sam was still standing in the corner. “So, now that you’re done cleaning the place…”

 

Dean poured himself a cup of coffee. “I still have the outside to clean.”

 

“The outside?”

 

“Yeah, that porch could use a scrubbing and the windows...

 

“And then what, Dean, tune up the Impala?”

 

“Well, she could use it and…”

 

“Dean…you can’t…” He turned to face him. “Look, I know you’re scared and confused, but you can’t keep running from this.”

 

“I’m not running.”

 

Sam scoffed. “Really?”

 

“There’s nothing to run from, so I’m not running.”

 

“Dean, you have got to tell Cas that you love him.”

 

“Alright.  I love Cas. So what? It doesn’t mean anything.”

 

“What the hell are you talking about?”

 

“Cas saved me and you and he’s like family, you know? That’s all. And I mean really, he’s an _angel_ , isn’t that like some kind of weird taboo thing or sick thing? Either way…whatever I thought I was feeling? It was nothing really.” He knew he was rambling, but he couldn’t stop. “I mean what, I’m gonna fall in love with some angel? A dude angel on top of that? Although, are angels really a particular sex? I mean it was just the…”

 

“Dammit, Dean!” Dean shook his head, looking at Sam. “Do you have any idea how lucky you are? You love someone, really love someone and you just want to what? Ignore it till it magically disappears?” He pointed at him. “Well guess what, Dean?  Six months didn’t make it go away. Do you wanna try for a year or do you want to grow the fuck up and act like a man!?”

 

Dean could feel the tears welling up in his eyes and he quickly looked away. “I love you, Dean, but you’re fucking clueless. You’re so fucking scared of getting hurt, that you’re…you’re guaranteeing that you get hurt.”

 

Dean chewed on his bottom lip. Sam stared at him for a moment longer and then left the room with a sigh of disgust.

 

A few minutes later Sam returned, his phone in his hand. He held it toward Dean. “He’s all pulled up, all you have to do is press send.” When Dean didn’t take the phone, Sam dropped it on the cushion next to him. “I’m going into town to get a burger, maybe catch a movie. I hope that you can...I hope you press send by then.”

 

Dean looked down at the phone, Cas’ name on the display. Sam stood in the doorway and turned back. “Good luck, Dean.” He gave him a quick smile and left.

 

Dean sat there, staring at the phone, his heart pounding, the name just staring back at him, challenging him to call. He could get up, go outside and clean the windows and yes, the Impala probably could use a tune-up. And the fridge, they needed to stock the fridge. He was low on beer and…

 

Dean stood up, pacing and glancing back at the phone every few seconds. He picked it up, finger hovering and then threw it down again.

 

He needed a shower. He ran to the bathroom and stripped down. He let the water run over his aching muscles, cleaning away the dirt from all the cleaning. He closed his eyes and let the water run over his head.

 

Dean stepped out of the shower, dried off and dressed. He returned to the living room, the phone still lying on the couch. He took a deep breath and picked up the phone. “This is ridiculous, it's just Cas. Yeah, it’s just Cas.” He repeated to himself a few times before finally pressing send. 

 

When Cas answered, Dean took a deep breath. “Hey, Cas. Um...would you like to come over for dinner?”

 

***

 

Cas had agreed to dinner at 6 and Dean quickly sent a text to Sam letting him know that Cas was coming for dinner. Sam had sent back a good luck text, ensured him he would remain gone and ended it with a stupid wink. Dean rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help feeling a little hopeful.

 

Dean busied himself by putting together a meager meal. They didn’t have much and Sam had taken the car. He found some fixings for a ham sandwich and some chips. Everything was ready about an hour before Cas was going to arrive.

 

Dean checked himself in the mirror about a dozen times. He changed his plaid shirt from red to blue about ten times before laughing at himself. He was acting like a goddamn teenager, this was Cas and this wasn’t...it wasn’t a date. He had to keep reminding himself of that. Cas was...taken and this was...What was this?  That was when it hit Dean. Cas was taken and Dean was about to tell him he loved him. Oh god, this was the worst idea ever.

 

Dean was about to call Cas and tell him that something had come up, when he heard a knock on the door. Dean got up, confused as to who would be knocking, and he opened it and saw Cas, dressed in a nice pair of black jeans and a light blue sweater. He was holding a six pack of Dean’s favorite bear and a bright smile that reached his eyes. Dean’s breath hitched and he licked his lips. Cas looked beautiful.

 

“Hello, Dean.”

 

It took a moment for Dean to reply “Hey, Cas, I didn’t expect you to be knocking.”

 

“Well, I’ve been trying not to use my angel mojo all the time. It tends to freak people out.”

Dean smiled and stood looking at Cas for a moment. “Can I come in, Dean?”

 

Dean shook his head. “Yes, of course. Sorry.”

 

Dean stepped aside and let Cas in, closing the door behind him. Cas handed the beer to Dean. “Thanks, Cas”

 

Cas smiled. Chuck came running over to Cas and he bent down to say hello to the cat. Both of them looked genuinely excited to see each other. Dean watched as Cas scratched the cat under the chin and told him how much he missed him. Dean felt a warmth creeping through him and, a little bit of jealousy over how affectionate Cas was being to his cat. That’s when he realized that this was it, he was truly and completely in love with Castiel.

 

After that everything seemed different. The room seemed to be buzzing with energy and every look from Cas was like the most amazing gift he’d ever been given. Part of Dean wanted to groan at himself to get a grip, but the other part, the part that loved Cas, was on some sort of high.  Nothing Dean had ever felt prepared him for this.  No amount of crushes, girlfriends, or one night stands had even hinted at the enormity of this love.

 

“Can I uh…” Dean cleared his throat. “Can I take your coat, Cas?”

 

Dean wanted to groan, it sounded so cheesy and Cas wasn’t his date, but the look in Cas’ eyes put Dean at ease. He looked touched. “Of course, Dean.” Dean resisted the urge to take the trench coat from him and watched as Cas took off the coat and handed it to him.

 

Dean placed the coat neatly over a chair and looked up at Cas. He had never really taken the time to look at Cas and notice just how beautiful he was. Now that he noticed, he couldn’t stop.  The sweater fit him perfectly, showing off the muscles in chest, arms and back just right. And the jeans hugged his hips in such a way that it made Dean’s mouth suddenly dry.

 

Dean shook his head and licked his lips. “I…I made some sandwiches, but we don’t…”

 

“I’d like that.” Cas smiled. “Can I help?”

 

“No, it’s okay. Have a seat.”

 

Cas sat down on the couch and Dean went to the kitchen. He opened a beer and took a long drink. ‘Have a seat?’ What the hell was wrong with him? This wasn’t afternoon tea. “Just breathe, Dean.” He nodded to himself and headed back to the living room, carrying two plates with sandwiches and chips and two beers. Cas stood, taking one of the plates and a beer.

 

“Thank you, Dean.”

 

Dean smiled and sat down next to him. They ate in relative silence but there was something comforting about it. Cas was inches from Dean and the heat from his body was like a warm enveloping blanket. When they did speak every word seemed a lot more significant than it was.

 

“I have discovered just the right amount of sugar and cream to put in my coffee so I don’t grimace.” Cas grinned. He may as well have been telling Dean that he thought he’d hung the moon by the way Dean smiled back at him and clapped him on the back.

 

And when Cas would laugh, really laugh, even if it was at some lame joke, Dean felt invincible.

 

Dean finished his sandwich and wiped his mouth on a napkin. He took a drink and tried to calm his nerves. As if Cas was reading his mind, which, let’s face it, he could’ve been, he turned to Dean and said. “Is there something going on with you, Dean? Something you need to tell me?”

 

Dean wiped his suddenly sweaty palms on his jeans. And nodded, but still couldn’t seem to speak.

 

After a minute, Cas placed a hand on Dean’s knee. “You can tell me anything, Dean.”

 

Dean smiled at him and for a moment forgot his name. He shook his head and looked away for a minute before finally speaking. “Yeah, I know, um…God, I don’t know how I’m gonna do this.”

 

Dean turned in his seat so he was facing Cas. He swallowed and tried to keep his heart from pounding out of his chest. “Cas, I…” He closed his eyes, cleared his throat, and willed himself to speak. “Here goes...” Dean opened his eyes and looked at Cas, really looked at him. “I love you, Cas.”

 

Cas cocked his head, not looking nearly as shocked as Dean had been prepared for. He smiled and put his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I love you too, Dean. You and Sam are the best friends I’ve ever had.”

 

Shit, he didn’t understand. Dean stood up, pacing a little. He nodded and stopped, looking down at Cas. “Cas, I don’t just love you like a friend...I…” He bit his lip and perched on the coffee table across from Cas. He took Cas’ hand and held it between his own. Cas glanced down at their joined hands and then back up at Dean, a curious expression in his eyes. “I’m...I’m in love with you, Cas.” Dean let out a breath he had been holding since Cas knocked on the door and held his hand tighter.

 

“Oh.” Cas said, his mouth ajar. “I...Dean…”

 

Dean dropped Cas’ hand and looked down at his feet. “It’s okay, Cas, you don’t have to say anything. I’m sorry for just springing this on you. You can go if you want.”

 

Cas reached over to him and lifted his chin. “Dean, I don’t want to go.” Cas smiled at him and touched his cheek. He nodded. “I love you, too.”

 

And without thinking or questioning it, without second guessing or doubt, Dean leaned forward and kissed him. It was soft and almost chaste. Their lips just barely brushed against each other, but it was the best first kiss Dean could imagine. Cas didn’t push him away, but he moved his head back slightly, touching the side of Dean’s face. “Dean...I’m still with Matt.”

 

Dean had somehow managed to forget that inconvenience, but it all came crashing down and he felt the fear well up in his chest.

 

Dean nodded and pulled back a little. “Do you…do you love him?”

 

Cas cocked his head, considering the question. “I don’t know, but I have to talk to him before…”

Dean looked down at his lap, feeling like he’d already lost. He’d lost so much that mattered to him in his life, why should this be any different?  Cas bent his head to catch Dean’s eyes with his own, forcing him to look at him. “I love you, Dean. I love _you_.”

 

Dean couldn’t help the smile on his face, nor the strangled sob that came, unbidden.  Somehow, despite all his worries, everything was perfect in that moment. “I love you too, Cas.”

 

They sat there, in silence, holding hands and Dean tried not to think about where they would go from here.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope to keep up with the everyday thing, but that may not happen for chapter 6. Thanks for reading!


	6. Truth and Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean waits to hear Cas' decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to my AWESOME beta, Wisconsennach, who adds so much beauty and love to these chapters. It wouldn't be what it is without you! 
> 
> This is mainly fluffy, with a pinch of angst. Hope everyone enjoys it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

 

Cas had left the cabin shortly after their declarations, promising Dean that he would call him as soon as he could. Dean reminded Cas that he could just use his mojo to drop in anytime he wanted, adding, with a shy smile, “I promise, I won’t even get weirded out.”

 

“Not even if I watch you sleep?” There was playfulness to Cas’ words and something else, something that made Dean blush.

 

“Not even then.” Dean wet his lips and glanced at Cas’ mouth. He wanted to grab him and pull him into a kiss. He wanted to taste his mouth and leave Cas breathless, but Dean stopped himself.

 

He walked Cas out onto the porch, even though it wasn’t necessary. It just seemed like the right thing to do. He kissed Cas on the cheek and told him good night. Cas looked into his eyes with such love and care that Dean wondered how he could possibly have missed it before...

 

“I will call you soon, Dean, I promise.” Cas brushed his fingers over Dean’s and Dean felt heat pool in his belly.

 

They gave each other one last smile and then Cas was gone.

 

Dean went back inside and started to pick up the dishes and empty beer bottles. He even caught himself humming to himself.

 

When he was done picking everything up, he collapsed on to the couch and turned on the TV. Seconds later Chuck joined him and curled up on his lap. He smiled to himself and thought that maybe, this once, everything would be okay.

 

***

 

Dean had trouble sleeping that night. When he did sleep his dreams were filled with visions of Cas. Cas’ intense blue eyes, the smile that would fill Dean with a hope he’d never dared to feel before. And his lips, his beautiful, soft lips.  Dean wanted to sip from those lips. He would drink in every inch of him, get drunk on his beauty.

 

Dean would take Cas’ face in his hands and bend down, branding him with a kiss, their tongues playfully dancing together. One of them would moan, Dean never knew who, it could have been both of them. He’d wrap his arms around Cas, pulling him flush to him, their kiss deepening.  Dean would trail kisses down Cas’ neck, inhaling his scent, and then…he woke up.

 

It would take Dean a minute to reorient himself and he would look next to him, imagining he would see Cas there, waiting for him. He would look at his phone, hoping there would be something there, but nothing.

 

Dean draped his arm over his forehead and tried to calm his arousal. The sun was peering through the windows and he decided to take a shower, a really cold one probably. He stood under the water, somehow immune to how freezing it was, his body temperature never quite cooling down.

 

He got out of the shower, threw some old jeans on and headed out to the kitchen. Sam was standing there, coffee cup in hand. He stood a little straighter when Dean walked in and tried to hide the curiosity in his eyes. They hadn’t talked about the previous evening, Sam had returned about an hour after Cas left, but only after he got a confirmation from Dean that he wouldn’t be “interrupting anything”.

 

Dean had groaned and told him Cas had left. When Sam arrived back at the cabin he asked Dean how it went and he simply told Sam that it was fine, he told Cas and Cas told him and that was it. When Sam tried to push for more, Dean told him it was none of his business.

 

Sam had muttered something under his breath about how none of this would have happened without his pushing and went to bed.

 

Now Sam just stood there, trying not to stare.

 

Dean poured himself a cup of coffee and went to the couch, sitting down he grabbed the paper and started to look through it.

 

Finally, after about ten minutes, Sam grabbed the paper out of Dean’s hand and sat down across from him. “Spill.”

 

“Sammy, I already told you everything.”

 

“No, you gave me the cliff notes version.”

 

“Sam, some things are private.”

 

Sam rolled his eyes. “I’m not asking for…those details…wait _are_ there  those…?”

 

Dean held his hand up, “Sam.”

 

Sam let out a huff and repeated under his breath. “You know, if it wasn’t for me none of this would have…”

 

Dean let out a resigned groan. “Fine. I’ll tell you.” Dean sat back and took a sip of coffee. “I told him…that I…” Dean let out a little laugh, not sure why his nerves were at play. “…that I’m in love with him.”

 

“Yeah, yeah and then he said it back. I know that part.”

 

Dean ran his hands through his still wet hair. “Jesus, Sammy, when did you become such a chick?”

 

Sam glared at Dean. “Dean, don’t be a jackass.”

 

Dean chuckled and crossed his arms. “Fine. We…he said that he needed to talk to Matt and that he would call me.”

 

“And that’s it?”

 

Dean’s mouth curled up into a tiny smile as he looked away for a moment. He shrugged, looking back at Sam. “That’s it.”

 

“Oh.” Sam looked genuinely disappointed, like he was hoping for some romance novel moment. “So…when will he be in touch?”

 

“I don’t know. Soon.” Dean tried to sound as calm as possible, but he was a bundle of nerves and he wished he had an answer to when that magic time would be.

 

Sam put his hands on his knees and nodded. “I’m proud of you.”

 

Dean rolled his eyes and muttered. “Oh, God.”

 

Sam smacked his knee. “What?  I am. It took guts, man.”

 

Dean laughed and took a drink of coffee. They sat in silence for a moment and Dean stared down into his coffee cup, worry dotting his forehead. Sam leaned forward. “Dean, he’s gonna choose you.”

 

“Yeah…well…I don’t know.”

 

“He has to choose you.  You deserve this. You of all people deserve to be happy. It’s your turn.” Sam gave him a smile and stood, leaving Dean to ponder those words. _He has to_ …Dean ran his finger along the rim of the coffee cup and tried to maintain some sort of hope.

 

***

It had been twenty-four hours since Dean had spoken to Cas. He tried to busy himself with a run, a stupid movie, but all he could think about was Cas. Cas’ eyes. Cas’ lips. Cas’ laugh. Fuck.

 

He was sitting on the couch, staring at the television as some weird infomercial about a grill played. Sam was sitting in a chair; computer in his lap, doing God knows what.

 

Dean’s phone was sitting next to him and he tried not to check it every five minutes like some fucking teenager with a crush, but he couldn’t help it. It was mocking him just sitting there being silent.

 

He picked it up and stared at it for a minute, willing it to do something. Sam cleared his throat. “Phones work both ways, Dean.”

 

Dean jumped a little and tossed the phone aside. “Shut-up.”

 

Dean got up and went to the kitchen looking for… he didn’t know what. He grabbed a beer, the last of the ones Cas had brought and stared at it like…God, he was sure he was losing his mind. He put the beer back and slammed the fridge shut.

 

“I’m going out.” Dean grabbed his jacket and the car keys before Sam could say anything.

 

He drove into town and stopped at a dive bar, classic rock spilling out on to the street. He went inside and took a seat at the bar. There were a couple of older men playing pool and a young couple making out near the corner. Dean tried to avoid looking at them.

 

He ordered a beer and tried not to glance down at his phone that he suddenly wished he had left at home. Sitting here wasn’t helping any.

 

He finished his beer and headed back outside.

 

He got behind the wheel and started driving, no destination in mind, just trying to outrun his nerves.

 

***

It had now been almost three days since he spoke with Cas and Dean had given up. Cas wasn’t going to call. He had decided to stick with Matt and Dean didn’t really blame him. Matt had his shit together and knew who the fuck he was. Dean…Dean had no idea who he really was, but he sure as hell knew he was fucked up and damaged.

 

Sam tried to give him a pep talk, telling him that maybe they were on a hunt or that something else came up that prevented him from calling. This turned every worry in his head into dread. He started pacing and wondering if he should go find him.

 

“Dean, I’m sure he’s fine.”

 

“You don’t know that. Crowley could have him or maybe Heaven called him back or…” He whipped out his phone and called Cas without thinking. The phone rang and rang and went to voicemail.

 

Dean grabbed his keys and jacket and headed for the car, Sam on his heels. “Dean, stop for a minute. Maybe he’s away from his phone.” Dean had the driver’s side door open. “Maybe you should, you know, try praying to him first.”

 

Dean nodded and closed the door. He glanced at Sam, almost feeling like this was too personal, and Sam nodded and went inside.

 

Dean shut his eyes and started to pray. “Hey Cas, I just…I’m sorry to bother you, but I…I just need to know that you’re okay…so…”

 

He heard the flutter of wings and he opened his eyes. Cas stood before him, completely intact and Dean smiled. “You’re never a bother Dean.”

 

Dean’s mouth turned up in a goofy grin and he had to stop himself from grabbing Cas and pulling him into a kiss. “I tried to call you and you didn’t answer so…I guess I overreacted.”

 

Cas gave him this smile that was filled with such joy and love that Dean almost cried. “I missed you, Dean.”

 

“I missed you too.” Dean blushed slightly. He took a step closer to Cas.

 

“Dean, I haven’t…I haven’t told Matt yet.” Dean stopped.

 

Dean swallowed. “Why?”

 

“He…he told me that…” Cas looked down at his feet.

 

“Cas, what is it?”

 

Cas took a breath and looked up at Dean, sorrow in his eyes. “He told me that he loves me.”

 

“Oh” Dean choked out. “What did you say?”

 

Cas looked at his hands for a moment before looking back at Dean. “I told him I loved him”

 

Dean felt his heart stop. “Oh.” Dean turned away, closing his eyes and trying not to break down.

 

“I just…I was going to tell him about you and me and then he said he loved me and I didn’t know…”

 

Dean turned back around. “But you love him?”

 

Cas nodded. “But, Dean it doesn’t mean that I don’t…I’m just confused. All of this…emotion… is all new to me and I…” He stopped talking and sat down on the stoop.

 

Dean looked down at him for a moment and then sat down next to him. “Cas, if you…” He closed his eyes. “If you want to be with Matt, if you really want that, then I…I would respect that.”

 

Cas looked up at him, his eyes glassy. Dean took his hand. “The only thing I have ever wanted was for you to be happy. And I forget sometimes that all of this…this human crap is new to you.”

 

Cas smiled at him with such warmth that his heart skipped a beat. “Thank you, Dean.”

 

They sat in silence for a minute, their fingers entwined and then Dean glanced over at Cas. The moonlight was shining off his eyes and he looked gorgeous. “You’re beautiful, Cas.”

 

Cas looked over at him, a little blush in his cheeks. “So are you Dean.”

 

“No, not like you.”

 

Cas placed his hand on the side of Dean’s face and Dean leaned into his touch. “Why do you always do that?  You are beautiful, Dean, in every way.”

 

Dean felt his chin tremble. “Don’t go, Cas. Don’t leave me, please.” He wanted to stop himself. He didn’t want to beg. He wanted to be a man about this, but he couldn’t stop himself. “My life…my life without you it…it makes no damn sense. You look at me like I’m worth something and…for a moment I believe it.”

 

“You are worth something.” He cocked his head, rubbing his thumb on Dean’s cheek. “Dean, you’re worth _everything_.  I wish you could see what I see when I look at you.”

 

Cas leaned forward and brushed his lips across Dean’s in a soft kiss. He wrapped his arms around Dean and pulled him to him. Dean buried his face in Cas’ neck and pulled him close. They sat in silence, just holding each other.

 

***

 

Dean finally let Cas go, assuring him that he would be fine. Cas told Dean that he loved him. Dean told him that he understood if he needed more time.

 

Dean walked into the cabin and Sam immediately jumped up, about to speak, but Dean held up his hands in appeal. “I just…I’m tired, Sammy. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Dean patted Sam on the shoulder and went to bed, a dreamless sleep.

 

The next morning he told Sam about his conversation with Cas and Sam did his best to assure him that Cas would choose him, but Dean wasn’t sure. Cas said he loved Matt and Dean had to admit that it hurt, worse than he could’ve imagined.

 

Dean stopped himself from calling Cas and held back any temptation he had to pray. He went on a couple of hunts with Sam and tried to pretend that everything was normal.

 

Another couple of days went by and Dean was starting to have doubts. He was pretty positive that Cas chose Matt and he tried not to show how much his heart was breaking.

 

Sam tried his best to cheer him up and keep him positive. He’d buy Dean’s favorite foods and would never forget the pie. He wouldn’t even complain when he would listen to the same song over and over again.

 

Dean and Sam were watching some crappy action flick and Dean was finishing off a piece of blueberry pie. “Sammy?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Sam smiled at him and squeezed his shoulder. They continued to watch the film in companionable silence.

 

***

 

Dean was under the covers, trying to will himself to fall asleep. He just kept seeing the events of the past few days unfold before him. He felt stupid, of course Cas wouldn’t want him, he wasn’t as classy as Matt or as together as Matt and hell, his eyes weren’t even as pretty as Matt’s.

 

He pulled the blanket up over his head and closed his eyes. He was about to drift off to sleep when he heard it, angel wings. He couldn’t move and was sure he had imagined it.

 

He felt a hand on shoulder. “Dean?”

 

Dean took a deep breath and slowly pulled the blanket off. Cas stood over him, a beautiful smile spread across his lips. Dean sat up and Cas took a step back. “You said I could drop by whenever I wanted, even if you were sleeping.”

 

“I wasn’t sleeping.”

 

Cas smiled and sat down next to Dean. “I need to ask you something, Dean.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Why did you wait to tell me how you felt?”

 

Dean looked down at his hands. “I don’t know. I just…I saw you with Matt and it all just sort of hit me I guess.”

 

Cas frowned a little and turned to face Dean. “I just…I need to know if…” Cas looked down, tugging at the hem of his coat and Dean saw how nervous and scared he was.

 

“Cas,” Dean lifted his chin up. “I didn’t tell you just because I couldn’t have you. I didn’t suddenly fall in love with you, I just suddenly realized it.” Dean placed a kiss on the corner of Cas’ mouth. “I’ve loved you for…I don’t even know how long.  It almost feels like I was born loving you, and I will love you forever.” He took Cas’ hand and placed it over his heart. “Feel that? How fast it’s beating?” Cas nodded, looking down at his hand. “That’s all for you.”

 

Cas furrowed his brow and looked confused. “That’s not healthy. An erratic heartbeat.”

 

Dean chuckled. “It’s beating like that because of how much I love you. It beats like that because you make me nervous.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“No, Cas, you don’t have to apologize for that. It’s a good thing.”

 

“Is that why my stomach does flip-flops every time you smile?”

 

Dean felt his breath hitch. “Yeah.”

 

Cas started to lean forward, his head tilted. “Wait, Cas. Um…Matt?”

 

Cas straightened up and shook his head. “I sat down and talked to him and I told him…I told him about you and us and everything and I didn’t even have to say I loved you, he just knew.”

 

“Does this mean that…that you’re staying?”

 

“If you’ll have me.”

 

Dean smiled and pulled Cas to him, kissing him. It was clumsy at first, teeth clicking together, but after a minute they found their way. Dean parted Cas’ lips with his tongue and smiled when Cas’ groaned.

 

Cas wrapped his arm around Dean’s waist, pulling him closer. Dean deepened the kiss, their tongues dancing together. He ran his fingers through Cas’ hair and started to trail kisses down Cas’ neck.

 

He kissed his chin and gave him a quick kiss on the mouth before moving on to his ear. He nibbled and leaned in to whisper, “I need you, Cas. I’m afraid to want you, but I do.”

 

He kissed Cas again, deeply passionate, pulling Cas till he was practically sitting on his lap. After a minute, Cas pushed against Dean’s chest and pulled back a bit. Dean looked at him, breathless and confused.

 

Dean nodded and put his hands down. “I’m sorry, Cas, I know that…well, I don’t if you and Matt…” Why the hell was he bringing that up? “But we don’t have to…I can go slow.”

 

Cas took his hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed his knuckles and smiled at him. “Dean, I want you too. But…” He looked toward the doorway. “Sam.”

 

Dean let out a relieved laugh. “Yeah, that probably wouldn’t be something he would want to walk in on.”

 

Dean placed a kiss on Cas’ cheek. “So, I guess, rain check?”

 

Cas gave him an almost wicked smile and Dean let out a little moan. “Dean, have you forgotten who I am?”

 

Cas pulled him into a kiss and they disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will bring a lot of loveliness. Thanks again for reading!


	7. Northern Lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas share a special night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, as always to the most awesome beta in the world, Wisconsennach, for all the amazing editing and additions and support you have given this fic. Thank you for the beautiful last lines you added to this chapter as well. Thank you to FortLauderTales, for encouraging this and supporting it all the way through. You guys are rock stars!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has read this and/or offered feedback. I had a blast writing this and hope you like the final chapter. This is fluffy, fluffy, fluffy with mild smut.

 

When they landed on the ground, Dean felt his knees buckle a little. He still wasn’t used to the angel transportation system and it always made him a little queasy at first.

 

Their lips had been joined up until the point of impact and when their lips parted, Dean took a deep breath and placed his hands on his knees. “I don’t know if I’m ever going to get used to that.”

 

Cas placed a hand on his shoulder and Dean looked up at him. “Sorry I didn’t warn you.”

 

Dean stood up a little straighter, his legs not quite as wobbly and smiled. He looked around they were standing on a patch of snow covered grass, trees surrounding them and a body of water nearby. He leaned forward. “Cas, where are we?”

 

“Northern Alberta, Canada. To be specific, Fort McMurray.”

 

“Canada? You mean we aren’t even in America?”

 

Cas just let out a small laugh. “Dean, just look.” Cas gestured toward the sky and Dean looked, amazed he hadn’t seen it before. Streaks of orange, green and blue covered the sky.

 

“Wait...what is that?”

 

“The Northern Lights or Aurora Borealis.”

 

It was absolutely breathtaking and Dean did a quick three sixty. “Wow, Cas, you...you really know how to impress a guy.” He gave Cas a quick wink and Cas looked down shyly.

 

“I come here sometimes when...when I need to think or be reminded of the beauty in humanity.”

 

Dean nodded. He wrapped an arm around Cas, pulling him flush to him. He ran a hand through Cas’ hair. “Thank you for showing me.”

 

“You’re welcome.” Dean captured Cas’ moth and gave him a soft kiss, nibbling on his bottom lip.

 

They pulled apart briefly and Dean searched Cas’ eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of kissing you.”

 

Cas smiled. “I’m glad, Dean.” Dean let out a soft laugh and kissed Cas again, this time sinking into it as their lips parted, allowing Dean’s tongue to enter Cas’ mouth. They both sighed.

 

Dean pulled back and started to leave open mouthed kisses on Cas’ neck and then up to his ear. He pulled back for a moment, looking at Cas. “Cas, um...this really is beautiful, but…” He glanced around them. He was all for adventurous sexual experiences, but this seemed a little bit too...well...cold.

 

Cas placed a kiss on Dean’s nose. “Don’t worry, I have an idea.” He nodded to Dean and pulled out of his arms. “I’ll be right back.”

 

“Back? Wait, where…” But Cas was gone. Dean let out a sigh and looked around. It really was peaceful and Dean knew why Cas chose it. Everything for them had been filled with turmoil, fighting for their lives more times than not, but this place felt pristine, untouched by violence.

 

Dean found a branch without snow on it and sat down. He looked out over the land and water, the colors from the sky leaving beautiful shadows on the ground. He glanced up to the sky and felt the happiness of the place fill his soul.

 

He hoped Cas would be back soon. He wanted to share every moment of this with him. He wanted to share everything with him, body, mind and soul. Body. He was very aware of how turned on he was, more so than he thought would be possible. He’d been worried that being with a man might not turn him on as much, but so far he was very wrong.

 

And then it hit him, nerves, a huge bundle of nerves. Cas and he were about to take their relationship to whole new place, an intimate one and Dean was worried he wouldn’t be able to do it right. He had experience, lots of experience, and prided himself in being able to bring pleasure to his partner. But he had never been with a man. He had thought about it before, with Matt and then recently with Cas, but that didn’t mean he knew what the hell he was doing.

 

Dean had no idea if Cas and Matt had actually done...he shook his head, really not wanting to think about Cas with anyone else. But if Cas hadn’t then Dean knew this would be his first time and while Dean thought that might have taken the pressure off,  it only made it worse. He wanted Cas to enjoy it, no he wanted Cas to more than enjoy it, he wanted him to love it. And what if Dean couldn’t provide that?

 

Dean swallowed and was trying to calm his nerves, when he heard Cas arriving. He stood and looked back. Cas was carrying a thick down blanket and pillows. He had somehow managed to get rid of a fairly big area of snow, revealing a patch of grass. Cas laid the blanket and pillow quickly down and looked up at Dean.

 

Dean swallowed, licking his lips and tried to stop the nerves from rising again. Cas held out a hand and Dean took it, following Cas to the blanket. “Are you trying to seduce me, Cas?” Dean let out a nervous laugh.

 

Cas cocked his head and knitted his brow. “Somethings changed.”

 

Dean tried to cover his nerves with a smile and placed a hand on Cas’ arm. “Nothing’s changed.”

 

Cas shook his head and searched Dean’s eyes. “You’re scared.”

 

Dean looked down, feeling ashamed.  “I’m sorry. I just…”

 

Cas reached up and placed a kiss on his jaw. “Dean, I’m scared too. I’ve never...I’m more new to this then you will ever be.”

 

Dean could feel some of his nerves drift away. “I just...I want to make sure that you...that it’s enjoyable and I’ve never done this with...with a man.”

 

Cas took Dean’s hands in his. “Being with you is enjoyable. Kissing you is enjoyable. I’m sure this will be enjoyable too.”

 

Dean smiled, squeezing his hands. He wanted so badly to believe him, but he realized he needed a moment. “Cas, can we...can we just sit for a minute?”

 

Cas smiled. “I’d like that, Dean.”

 

They walked over to the log Dean had found and sat side by side, their fingers entwined and their legs touching. The warmth melting away any cold in the air. They sat in silence, just looking at the sky, all the colors dancing across the heavens.

 

Cas laid his head on Dean’s shoulder, and Dean placed a kiss on his head, inhaling his scent. They looked out over the land and Dean thought it would be okay if they just stayed like this forever.

 

Cas squeezed Dean’s hand and looked to the sky. And in a voice, just above a whisper, he said, “I think green is my favorite color.”

 

It was just a simple statement, but there was something in it that lit something up inside Dean. He looked over at Cas and Cas lifted his head off Dean’s shoulder. He pulled Cas into a quick kiss and then said against his lips. “I think I’d like to see how soft that blanket is.”

 

Cas smiled and Dean took his hand, pulling him up and leading him toward the makeshift bed.

 

***

Cas and Dean stood on top of their makeshift bed, their shoes discarded. Dean took a step closer to Cas and gave him a little smile. He pulled Cas’ trench coat down, gliding his fingers across his arms as he went. He felt Cas shiver and he stopped for a moment. “Cas, if you want me to stop at any time you just say something, okay?”

 

Cas nodded. Dean removed the trench coat and set it aside. He took a moment to take in Cas. He was wearing a red shirt that was a little loose in the shoulders, but not too loose to hide how truly toned the body beneath would be. Dean felt his pulse quickening and heat pooling in his stomach.

 

He placed his hands on the hem of the shirt, just above the jeans Cas was wearing and looked at Cas. Without a word, asking him if this was okay, Cas gave him a nod and Dean lifted the shirt over Cas’ head. He tossed it aside, it landed on top of the trench coat and looked back at Cas. His breath caught when he looked over Cas’ bare chest. His was slightly pale, but nonetheless beautiful. Dean reached out his hand and ran it down Cas chest, eliciting a soft moan from Cas.

 

Dean smiled, his eyes darker and pulled Cas into a kiss, his tongue immediately pushing it’s way inside his mouth. Cas nibbled on Dean’s lip and Dean moaned, pulling him closer. He could feel his arousal growing and wanted to shed his clothes then and there, but he wanted to take his time. He wanted to savour this as long as possible.

 

He pulled back slightly and trailed kisses down Cas’ neck, his left arm reaching around to his lower back, his fingers run up and down his spine. He went further down, running his tongue along Cas’ collar bone. He placed a kiss on Cas’ left shoulder and ran his right hand down Cas’ arm.

 

He continued placing kisses down Cas’ chest, stopping at each nipple and taking it in his mouth for a moment, loving the sounds it elicited from Cas. He continued down to Cas’ belly button and placed an open-mouth kiss just above his jeans.

 

He stood back up and delved into another passionate, wet kiss. They pulled apart breathless and Dean’s hand went down to Cas’ jeans, but Cas stopped him. Dean worried that maybe he really wasn’t ready, that maybe this was going too fast, but instead Cas placed his hands on the collar of his plaid shirt. “Can I?”

 

Dean nodded, eager. He looked down and watched as Cas unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off. He then pulled the undershirt up and over Dean’s head. Cas’ eyes looked over Dean’s chest, a hunger in them that made Dean groan. He pulled Cas into a quick kiss, but Cas pulled away and started to kiss Dean’s chin, eyelids, cheeks and then nibbled at his ear. Dean ran his hand along Cas’ back.

 

Cas trailed kisses down Dean’s neck and ran a hand down Dean’s chest and over his tattoo. He repeated Dean’s actions from before, taking one of his nipples in his mouth and Dean groaned loudly.

 

Cas was kissing his stomach and his hand reached around and briefly touched his ass and Dean was worried he wouldn’t last. He lifted Cas up and kissed him softly. “Cas, I want this to last as long as possible.” He brushed his lips across Cas’ mouth and moved his hand down to Cas’ jeans. He undid the button and lowered the zipper. His hands briefly moving over his groin and Dean could feel how hard he was getting. This only turned Dean on more and he moved his hand away and back to removing the jeans.

 

Cas stepped out of them, standing in only his light blue boxers. Dean took a quick second to look him over, before pulling him into another kiss. He truly knew he would never get enough of that.

 

He could feel Cas’ hands in between their bodies, reaching for his jeans. He was worried that if Cas touched him now he would come undone, so he placed a hand between Cas’ and undid his jeans, kissing Cas while he took them off.

 

Dean smiled at Cas and took his hand. He slowly led him down to the blanket and laid down on top of  him. Cas’ hips bucked up slightly and Dean bit his lip in order to try to keep it together. Dean stopped for a moment, hovering over Cas, he ran one hand through Cas’ hair and his other down the side of Cas’ body, stopping just above his boxers. He looked at Cas again, his eyes darker and his lips red, he had never seen anything so amazing in all his life. “Cas, remember if I hurt you or anything feels wrong, stop me, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

Dean kissed him while removing Cas’ boxers. He felt Cas’ hand on his ass, pulling him closer and he situated himself between Cas’ legs. He disposed of his boxers and moved with Cas and their bodies...they just somehow fit. Dean prepared Cas as best he could, taking time and paying attention to Cas’ responses, making sure he was ready for Dean to enter him.  Cas let out a couple of cries and Dean would still, but Cas would kiss him urging him to continue.

 

They moved together, Cas’ hips meeting Dean’s thrusts and their breath getting quicker. Dean knew he wouldn’t last long at all, especially not with the noises Cas was making. He leaned down, leaving a little love bite on Cas’ shoulder. Moving one hand between their bodies to hold Cas’ hardness, Dean began to milk him.  He felt the heavy heat of Cas’ erection as Cas thrust himself into Dean’s hand, finding his own release with a small, strangled moan.  Right before he came he whispered into Cas’ ear. “I love you. I love you so damn much, Cas.”

 

Cas cried out and Dean came moments later. They moved till they were laying side by side. Dean touched the side of Cas face and placed a kiss on his nose. “My favorite color is blue.” They gave each other a soft kiss.

 

Minutes… or hours… later, lying together, half asleep and drunk on their lovemaking… one of them whispers, in a voice full of reverence and awe, “Thank you, for saving me.”

  
  



End file.
